Turns out there was one little hold-up with the whole "Let's get wasted on tequila and elope!" concept: Mexican marriages are not recognized in the glorious U.S. of A. Heidi's mom Darlene thought this slip-up was an excellent opportunity to de-program Heidi 2.0, but Spencer shut that operation down faster than you can say "Svengali." And off to the court house they went. Romantics, eat your hearts out! ShePratt recalls the "awkward, weird day" when Spencer realized he could get a little more milk outta that cow and decided not to get married. And let me tell you, that actress who played the judge, and those story editors who gave Spencer his script for the week, they were shocked! Probably mostly because Heidi managed to actually summon a genuine tear for the occasion.
Next step: Meet Wild Bill Montag. Spencer, who probably gets regular mani-pedis when he's not on his couch... I mean office, was reasonably terrified of the gun-toting maniac known as Heidi's father. Holly, too, held the fear fast in her heart from many years yore when she brought a trembling eight year old to her father's house to ask for twee Holly's hand in marriage. The boy has never been heard from since, though for a couple of months after the townspeople did occasionally imagine themselves hearing sounds kind of like scratching and yelping coming from a distant well. Luckily, Spencer isolated Wild Bill's Achilles heel: Long walks on the beach. They took a stroll, hands intertwined. It was all very Brokeback Malibu. And Brody, who was not actually present during any of this, reports that the meet-up was a smashing success.
Then we get an exclusive vignette: Spencer and ShePratt go ring shopping. Lured by the sparkling, ShePratt tries to touch the huge rock. Spencer snaps the box closed. Imagine the bastard child of Pretty Woman and the opening scene of Halloween, and you have this moment. Spencer predicts that Heidi will not be able to say no to a ring of this size because, if he knows one thing, it's that Heidi is one shallow bitch. Naturally, he's right. And he didn't have to board a ferris wheel to prove it, but when in Prattville.... Spencer, ShePratt, and Holly claim that this was actually an off-limits locations rife with logistical problems and that there were all sorts of Cirque du Soleil antics going on to get this once (okay maybe three times)-in-a-lifetime proposal. Heidi shows the ring for which she sold her soul, and it might as well be from a booth in the mall because it's just as big and gaudy and J.Lo-esque. ShePratt speculates that the ring cost $5 million because it's just so amazing and heavy. like a golf ball, apparently.