Spencer does admit that his big, flashy ring didn't make up for everything. He had some splainin' to do. So he called Lauren. Lo is astounded that she answered. Quick and easy answer, Lo: She was paid to. We hear Spencer's apology again, and it does not hold up well over time. Like an 8-track copy of "Ice Ice Baby." Audrina characterizes Spencer as being manipulative. Case in point: Heidi was "so happy" that he made the call. Happy enough to get married to this prick.
Next up: Rehearsal dinner at Cut. And the Potato Imbroglio. Before that, though, ShePratt gave a toast cribbed primarily from a note she passed in eighth grade. Drunkedy Drunk Holly hoisted herself and her strapless dress up in time to make an eloquent speech with the word "crap" in it and references to childhood voodoo in the forests of Colorado. They should really put it in a book. It's that good. ShePratt sour grapes that Holly was the worst Maid of Honor.
Witness: The Great Potato Toss of 2009. Heidi's embarrassment over the speech was soon replaced by righteous anger when one of her possessions was marred by a free-flying potato launched by Holly. Ironically, she was less upset about the ruining of her $10,000 purse than she was about her dry shampoo with arts-and-crafts Label by Spencer in the jungle. Holly tries to justify that size should have mattered in this instant, but there's not size minimum on tacky behavior. Point Speidi. And then the quote: "Anybody who owns a $10,000 purse deserves to get a potato thrown at it." Keep it country, Holly! Shortly later, Spencer nearly stepped into multiple homicides when he lectured Holly on her hillbilly manners and got a mouthful of Darlene's sass. He walked away, seething. And another gem from Holly: "The day that Spencer tries to give me etiquette lessons is the day that I see pigs come flying out of my butt." She's a modern Shakespeare, that one. So Holly cried and cried, then left in an alcohol-fueled huff. ShePratt snipes, "If I were Heidi's Maid of Honor, she'd still have that purse in mint condition."
Now Speidi promises to reveal all the smoke and mirrors behind their incredible wedding. Heidi says, "On my wedding day, I only asked for one thing: For everything to be perfect." Step One: Overdone cupcake dress from well-known designer. Heidi found her swan princess dress, replete with antebellum-size, marabou-bedecked skirt. All the ladies approved. Holly, in particular, dreamily talks about birds coming to pick up the sides of the dress. Of course she's referring to Cinderella, but how kick-ass would that have been if Heidi had been suddenly, violently attacked like Tippi Hedren? Damn it, why didn't Adam DiVello think of that? Talk about a cliffhanger! Heidi reveals that she dropped about $20,000 for the dream dress. At the time, she considered it "appropriate, but, like, sexy." Of course, that was before she tossed on a couple layers of hooker jewelry. Then it was simply sexy, at least in Heidi's mind, and she was satisfied.