Because four hours of Speidi each week aren't enough! Welcome to "Speidi's Wedding Unveiled," or, as I like to call it, "Platinum Blonde Weddings." Har-dee-har, I'm here all night, folks. Seriously, though, let's make this quick.
Speidi gloatingly introduces themselves as Spencer Pratt and "Mrs. Spencer Pratt," marveling at the fact that they are actually legally married this time. They promise to offer the inside scoop on their spectacular nuptials, including the big surprise -- the arrival of Lauren (not a surprise, btw) -- and the "even bigger surprise" -- the arrival of Kristin Cavallari (even less of a surprise). Guess it must be opposite day up in here. I love these guys! And Spencer's sport blazer with tailored, cut-off sleeves doesn't look bizarre at all! And Heidi's hair totally doesn't look like a butterscotch stallion threw up all around her face!
The three-time newlyweds also offer never-before-seen peeks into their wedding day. 100% more sky writing! They tout their wham-bam-thank-you-sham ceremony as "the wedding of the year" twice to give it sufficient hype, then say they'll be giving us a much-needed -- opposite day! -- rehash of their story book romance (girl meets boy, girl changes phone number so boy will quit stalking her, boy shows up at da club with Playboy Bunnies, girl and boy develop freakish codependent relationship and alienate everyone they know, girl and boy perish violently in the jungle, and everyone lived happily ever after!), as well as interviews from the cast. Except for the person you actually want to hear from. Though early kudos to Holly for giving what I'm sure will be the quote of the night: "Anybody who owns a $10,000 purse deserves to get a potato thrown at it." Elegant, yet concise.
Spencer really gets things rockin' quickly by explaining that, from the moment he met Heidi, he was "like wow." Profound. And unless he does a tap dance dual against Mya for that jewel, I cannot abide. Spencer continues that Heidi was a mixed bag of characteristics, among them sexy and freaky, basically a female version of him. And she doesn't divorce him instantly. Because, indeed, she is a bloodsucking famewhore with zero social skills and an inflated sense of self. When Heidi met Spencer, she realized there was no one like him because he has no ability to self-censor. Two things: First, aren't you like him if you're the female version of him? Get your stories straight, people! Also, I believe autistic folks have that same talent of saying and doing whatever they think whenever they think it. Consider...
Spencer says that their relationship was intense from the start. Suspicions of cheating, pregnancy scares... you know, the usual. Spencer compares Heidi to Mary Magdalene 'cause she's a straight-up ho. Heidi corrects him, saying it was more like The Virgin Mary. Yes, she just compared herself to the mother of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And implied that they weren't having sex at the time. This new "Speidi are Christians!" thing is very hit-and-miss with the comedic bits. Heidi says that all the drama only brought them together. By which she means it caused all their friends to abandon them. First case in point: Lauren, who flagrantly gives Heidi an ultimatum -- Spencer or our friendship.
Heidi's response? Move in with Spencer! She was greeted by a live-in boyfriend who distinguished himself in the décor arena as the frat boy's answer to Bobby Trendy. Highlights included: hideous dollar sign-accented graffiti murals on their walls, inexplicable vintage TV sets repurposed as fish tanks, and pinball machines in the living room. ShePratt and Holly were both skeptical.
Spencer says he knew instantly that Heidi was "the one." So he proposed, with a cheap-ass ring from the Beverly Hills branch of Claire's -- which he made Brody pay for. Class. Everyone has a good laugh about the tacky thing, which ShePratt compares to a Ring Pop. The Brodester reveals that the token of Spencer's affection actually cost only $7 and that it, like so many of Spencer's delicate night-time whisperings, was to remain a secret to be taken to the grave -- or whipped out because that hag Lauren Conrad was too lazy to film a full season. Nevertheless, Heidi slid the gaudy bauble on her bony finger and pledged herself for an eternity as Mrs. Fleshbeard, and in exchange she would eventually get a new nose, huge knockers, and the most beautiful vocoder in all the fiefdom.
And then this little recap fast forwards a couple seasons to show the janky Mexican wedding in all its publicity stunt glory. Speidi made people miss their Thanksgiving celebrations for that shit, y'all. Unacceptable! Don't nobody come between a boom operator and his turducken. They replay the smarmy "Well hello, Mrs. Pratt!" -- "Hello, Mr. Pratt." smarminess, though no notice is paid to the second set of shitty rings Spencer proffered to his fair maiden.
Turns out there was one little hold-up with the whole "Let's get wasted on tequila and elope!" concept: Mexican marriages are not recognized in the glorious U.S. of A. Heidi's mom Darlene thought this slip-up was an excellent opportunity to de-program Heidi 2.0, but Spencer shut that operation down faster than you can say "Svengali." And off to the court house they went. Romantics, eat your hearts out! ShePratt recalls the "awkward, weird day" when Spencer realized he could get a little more milk outta that cow and decided not to get married. And let me tell you, that actress who played the judge, and those story editors who gave Spencer his script for the week, they were shocked! Probably mostly because Heidi managed to actually summon a genuine tear for the occasion.
Next step: Meet Wild Bill Montag. Spencer, who probably gets regular mani-pedis when he's not on his couch... I mean office, was reasonably terrified of the gun-toting maniac known as Heidi's father. Holly, too, held the fear fast in her heart from many years yore when she brought a trembling eight year old to her father's house to ask for twee Holly's hand in marriage. The boy has never been heard from since, though for a couple of months after the townspeople did occasionally imagine themselves hearing sounds kind of like scratching and yelping coming from a distant well. Luckily, Spencer isolated Wild Bill's Achilles heel: Long walks on the beach. They took a stroll, hands intertwined. It was all very Brokeback Malibu. And Brody, who was not actually present during any of this, reports that the meet-up was a smashing success.
Then we get an exclusive vignette: Spencer and ShePratt go ring shopping. Lured by the sparkling, ShePratt tries to touch the huge rock. Spencer snaps the box closed. Imagine the bastard child of Pretty Woman and the opening scene of Halloween, and you have this moment. Spencer predicts that Heidi will not be able to say no to a ring of this size because, if he knows one thing, it's that Heidi is one shallow bitch. Naturally, he's right. And he didn't have to board a ferris wheel to prove it, but when in Prattville.... Spencer, ShePratt, and Holly claim that this was actually an off-limits locations rife with logistical problems and that there were all sorts of Cirque du Soleil antics going on to get this once (okay maybe three times)-in-a-lifetime proposal. Heidi shows the ring for which she sold her soul, and it might as well be from a booth in the mall because it's just as big and gaudy and J.Lo-esque. ShePratt speculates that the ring cost $5 million because it's just so amazing and heavy. like a golf ball, apparently.
Spencer does admit that his big, flashy ring didn't make up for everything. He had some splainin' to do. So he called Lauren. Lo is astounded that she answered. Quick and easy answer, Lo: She was paid to. We hea