The Hills
Speidi's Wedding Unveiled

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r Spencer's apology again, and it does not hold up well over time. Like an 8-track copy of "Ice Ice Baby." Audrina characterizes Spencer as being manipulative. Case in point: Heidi was "so happy" that he made the call. Happy enough to get married to this prick.

Next up: Rehearsal dinner at Cut. And the Potato Imbroglio. Before that, though, ShePratt gave a toast cribbed primarily from a note she passed in eighth grade. Drunkedy Drunk Holly hoisted herself and her strapless dress up in time to make an eloquent speech with the word "crap" in it and references to childhood voodoo in the forests of Colorado. They should really put it in a book. It's that good. ShePratt sour grapes that Holly was the worst Maid of Honor.

Witness: The Great Potato Toss of 2009. Heidi's embarrassment over the speech was soon replaced by righteous anger when one of her possessions was marred by a free-flying potato launched by Holly. Ironically, she was less upset about the ruining of her $10,000 purse than she was about her dry shampoo with arts-and-crafts Label by Spencer in the jungle. Holly tries to justify that size should have mattered in this instant, but there's not size minimum on tacky behavior. Point Speidi. And then the quote: "Anybody who owns a $10,000 purse deserves to get a potato thrown at it." Keep it country, Holly! Shortly later, Spencer nearly stepped into multiple homicides when he lectured Holly on her hillbilly manners and got a mouthful of Darlene's sass. He walked away, seething. And another gem from Holly: "The day that Spencer tries to give me etiquette lessons is the day that I see pigs come flying out of my butt." She's a modern Shakespeare, that one. So Holly cried and cried, then left in an alcohol-fueled huff. ShePratt snipes, "If I were Heidi's Maid of Honor, she'd still have that purse in mint condition."

Now Speidi promises to reveal all the smoke and mirrors behind their incredible wedding. Heidi says, "On my wedding day, I only asked for one thing: For everything to be perfect." Step One: Overdone cupcake dress from well-known designer. Heidi found her swan princess dress, replete with antebellum-size, marabou-bedecked skirt. All the ladies approved. Holly, in particular, dreamily talks about birds coming to pick up the sides of the dress. Of course she's referring to Cinderella, but how kick-ass would that have been if Heidi had been suddenly, violently attacked like Tippi Hedren? Damn it, why didn't Adam DiVello think of that? Talk about a cliffhanger! Heidi reveals that she dropped about $20,000 for the dream dress. At the time, she considered it "appropriate, but, like, sexy." Of course, that was before she tossed on a couple layers of hooker jewelry. Then it was simply sexy, at least in Heidi's mind, and she was satisfied.

As for the rest of the accoutrements. Heidi had hoped to ride to the chapel in an old-fashioned horse and carriage, but they had to "settle" for a Rolls Royce. Amateurs! She also wanted a string section for her grand entrance and breathtaking arrangements. Audrina notes that Spencer hired a skywriter to paint the sky with the chilling warning "Spencer loves Heidi." She thought it was funny (a.k.a. tacky), but you can rest assured that plenty of Angelenos were spotted running screaming on that day, curious as to how they could escape this gathering storm. Brody was not one of them, though. He admits he was merely miffed because Spencer stole his idea. Sucks for you, Jayde Nicole!

Then we get a quick succession of cast members explaining what a celebrity event this was, with all the paparazzi and fans. Brody admits that Spencer will call the paps at the drop of a hat. Yes, children, he's one of those. Sorry to shatter your delusions that their gun-toting, melon-testing, America-loving exploits aren't totally spontaneous. If it makes you feel any better, my other part-time job is telling children that Santa Claus doesn't exist. But back to the fame whoring and detail slinging. Spencer brags that the Speidi Wedding made it onto the cover of all five tabloids that week. Audrina overrates the experience, saying it was like Princess Diana's wedding. Some less glamorous details? There were metal detectors and cell phone checks. Without their crackberries, the kids nearly rioted.

And speaking of overestimation, Heidi discusses her gorgeous and not at all garish (opposite day!) jewelry, which is estimated by various talking heads as worth anywhere from $100,000 to $2 million. Of course we get all this overblown estimates rapid fire, one after another. Ha! The editors hate Speidi. Then we get some exclusive footage of Heidi debating whether her gagillion dollars of "Like a Virgin" reload jewelry is "too much." Shielding their eyes from the blinding glare, everyone's all, "Nooooo! Noooo! Never!" Except America's Best Maid of Honor Who Wasn't Asked, Stephanie Pratt, who suggests Heidi remove just one of her 45 diamond bangle bracelets. Heid-zilla will have none of it. And that, my dear, is why you are not MoH. Apparently there were also rumblings of a tiara. Thankfully, they did not come to pass.

Over in the men's change room, more exclusive footage as Spencer practically hyperventilates. But no comfort for him as Wild Bill pays a pre-nuptial visit, offering for Spencer to call him "Daddy" as they go surfing. Oh, that sounds dirty.

As the men headed to the altar, tragedy struck! Exclusive footage tragedy! The church's generator went down. As everyone else got antsy, plucky Lo wondered if this was God's protest to this unholy union. But Spencer's hands are never idle, so he set about finding a handyman to make this press clusterfuck carry on. And up came the lights, another battle waged and won in the war of good versus evil.

But there was one last piece of the puzzle missing: The budding authoress herself, Lauren Conrad. Before the door hit her on the way out, LC made sure to parade in front of the entire gasping congregation, including Spencer, to make sure her presence was known one last time.

But first, lots of producer-planted group dynamic weirdness. Because, you know, just in case the wedding is boring. Love triangulation between Audrina, Justin, Brody, and Jayde, for starters. Then that slutty paid prop Bartender Stacie, who literally baffled everyone with her presence because, seriously? Also in attendance, though not shown previously: Perez Hilton, to whom Spencer brags about giving some "great scoops over the years. Sorry, LC, haha!" Yeah, that apology was totally legit.

Heidi reminisces about the time when she and Lauren were roommates and used to dream up their perfect weddings together. More exclusive footage as the frenemies fondly remember the two of them dorking out in their PJs. Like Blair Waldorf, Lauren had some sort of a scrapbook album with all the details planned to a tee. It's a really cute moment. Something this show could use more of.

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