Previously: Heidi's uterus trembled, Spencer's balls shrunk up into his no-no. Kristin talked out of her ass, Justin Bobby's crotch pulsed its sweet love song. "Now, everyone was getting ready to surprise Brody for his birthday -- but I was the one who was about to be surprised..."
Kristin and Bartender Stacie head into the Hustler store to pick out the perfect present for Brody's birthday. Because what do you give the boy who has everything but "Days of the Week" butt plugs? They start to horse around with an S&M leash and collar. They laugh that it's perfect for Brody since Jayde's got him whipped. BS is still wearing the collar when Kristin grabs a conveniently located whip and starts smacking her with it. BS gets a rare, honest glimpse of herself and laughs a bit pitifully, half-joking, "What is wrong with me?" Oh, honey. I don't have enough hours in my day to get into that one. Though I suspect it started long before you were mesmerized by the fleshbeard. Kristin gets deadly serious, saying she really wants Brody to use these toys. BS thinks he will, but Kristin counters that her sex life when she dated Brody was pretty "vanilla." Kristin moves on, saying the party is a surprise, so BS shouldn't mention it to anyone. They have the requisite "Who do you think is coming" conversation. Kristin says she wants to go with JB. BS suggests they get Kristin some chaps since "bad boys like this dominatrix stuff." Excuse me for a minute. Entertain yourself with the credits while I will vomit violently at that thought.
Kristin stands on the beach outside her house, presenting her bikini-clad body to be ogled by JB while he surfs and shows off his big, honkin' "ITALIA" chest tat. And now for a game of "Would you rather?": ITALIA vs. JENNER. Talk amongst yourselves. He joins her on shore, and they retire to the beach chairs for some wine. He notes that it's Italian, and she snarks, "Like your tattoo." Which, I have to say... As much as I don't respect Kristin for shamelessly approaching this show as an acting gig, I kind of love how she never shies away from making fun of people to their faces. Especially jackasses like JB who need to be tamped down a bit. At any rate, they discuss tattoos for a spell, and he tries to reciprocate with the teasing, but he is outmatched.
They move on to the subject of Brody's party. He asks who's setting it up. She says Jayde, and he gives a perfunctory "Awww, cute." Whether he actually means that is up for debate, but there is no doubt what Kristin means to say when she snarks back, "Unh, it's adorable." You can practically see the contempt squigglies rising off of her. Love it! She returns to the script, suggesting they go together. He takes a moment away from his precious nose-picking time to agree. They get up to provide some gratuitous "romping around in swimsuits" footage.