The Hills
Strike One

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The Affair of the Reckless

Previously: Heidi's uterus trembled, Spencer's balls shrunk up into his no-no. Kristin talked out of her ass, Justin Bobby's crotch pulsed its sweet love song. "Now, everyone was getting ready to surprise Brody for his birthday -- but I was the one who was about to be surprised..."

Kristin and Bartender Stacie head into the Hustler store to pick out the perfect present for Brody's birthday. Because what do you give the boy who has everything but "Days of the Week" butt plugs? They start to horse around with an S&M leash and collar. They laugh that it's perfect for Brody since Jayde's got him whipped. BS is still wearing the collar when Kristin grabs a conveniently located whip and starts smacking her with it. BS gets a rare, honest glimpse of herself and laughs a bit pitifully, half-joking, "What is wrong with me?" Oh, honey. I don't have enough hours in my day to get into that one. Though I suspect it started long before you were mesmerized by the fleshbeard. Kristin gets deadly serious, saying she really wants Brody to use these toys. BS thinks he will, but Kristin counters that her sex life when she dated Brody was pretty "vanilla." Kristin moves on, saying the party is a surprise, so BS shouldn't mention it to anyone. They have the requisite "Who do you think is coming" conversation. Kristin says she wants to go with JB. BS suggests they get Kristin some chaps since "bad boys like this dominatrix stuff." Excuse me for a minute. Entertain yourself with the credits while I will vomit violently at that thought.

Kristin stands on the beach outside her house, presenting her bikini-clad body to be ogled by JB while he surfs and shows off his big, honkin' "ITALIA" chest tat. And now for a game of "Would you rather?": ITALIA vs. JENNER. Talk amongst yourselves. He joins her on shore, and they retire to the beach chairs for some wine. He notes that it's Italian, and she snarks, "Like your tattoo." Which, I have to say... As much as I don't respect Kristin for shamelessly approaching this show as an acting gig, I kind of love how she never shies away from making fun of people to their faces. Especially jackasses like JB who need to be tamped down a bit. At any rate, they discuss tattoos for a spell, and he tries to reciprocate with the teasing, but he is outmatched.

They move on to the subject of Brody's party. He asks who's setting it up. She says Jayde, and he gives a perfunctory "Awww, cute." Whether he actually means that is up for debate, but there is no doubt what Kristin means to say when she snarks back, "Unh, it's adorable." You can practically see the contempt squigglies rising off of her. Love it! She returns to the script, suggesting they go together. He takes a moment away from his precious nose-picking time to agree. They get up to provide some gratuitous "romping around in swimsuits" footage.

Downtown, Audrina and ShePratt meet up for mani-pedis. ShePratt (who looks positively emaciated with this new nose, I might add) begs Audrina to start coming out again. That shit's not gonna stir itself, you know. Audrina claims she needed to get her head straight. More likely, she was doing promotional appearances for her movie... or meeting with producers on her new spin-off... or chewing her own toe nails. You know, whatever it is that hot, happening, dimwitted starlets with blindingly white teeth do these days.

Audrina changes the topic to a mystery fellow named Derek. Apparently he's a mutual friend of hers and JB's. ShePratt immediately goes there, saying it seems like a cheap ploy to get even with JB. And, in this case, she might not be entirely far-reaching (there's a first for everything!). It's pretty transparent, even for this show -- Hell, even for Audrina. Audrina pretty much confirms this theory when she says JB used to get super-jealous of her hanging out with Derek, accusing them of hooking up. ShePratt asks if they kissed. Audrina brushes it off, saying JB meant that they had sex. She says Derek's "like, a respectable, nice person." Yeah, inasmuch as making out with your buddy's semi-girlfriend is respectable and nice. Audrina insists that he's not too nice, though, because stability, intelligence, and proper manners and hygiene are, like, so boring! ShePratt returns to the idea that Audrina might just be using him to advance her one-step revenge plot, but Audrina claims she knows what she wants. Not exactly a denial, that.

The next day, Brody's friends make sure to amp up the homoerotic undertones at his party by bringing balloons with pictures of beefcake men on them. Never fear, though, there is also a bouncy castle with scantily clad women on it. Kristin arrives and greets hostess Jayde, who, if it's possible, is wearing even more makeup than usual. We're talking kewpie doll here, y'all. Kristin marvels at how Jayde has kept this secret from Brody. Jayde asks if Kristin came with JB. Across the party, Lo and ShePratt are speculating on the very same topic. Lo asks if Kristin and JB are dating. Well, Lo, it depends on how strictly you define that term...

The chatter is broken up when Jayde announces that Brody is coming. Crazy Old Uncle Frankie joins in on the fun, telling everyone to get down on their knees. And they humor him because he's never been quite the same since the Alzheimer's kicked in, you know. The garage door swings open, and everyone yells a surprise to Brody. He feigns shock and humble embarrassment. He hugs everyone and heads upstairs to change. Because he has another trendy T-shirt and another pair of overpriced board shorts that just scream surprise party.

With that show of solidarity dispensed of, let the shit-talkin' begin! Lo and ShePratt investigate about the bon temps between Kristin and JB. She plays it cool. Brody comes over, beer in hand, and does what Brody does best: meddles. He asks, "Where's your man? Where's Justin." Commercials. (Really, show? That's the best first-act kicker you got?)

Some time later, Brody and his pals play around on the slip 'n' slides, in the bouncy castle, in the sprinklers... This really is a party designed for a six-year-old, but with booze. Disaster is imminent. And before I can even get that word fully typed, Kristin gets smacked in the face with a water balloon. She lets out a big, disruptive shout about it. Which, fair enough, it probably hurt like a mother. After drawing the attention of Brody's plastic MILF mother and eliciting an eye roll from Jayde, though, she takes it in stride and starts joking about it. Sensing her good humor, Brody zeroes in and resumes teasing her about JB again. Jayde watches like a hawk as Brody's MILF gives Kristin a familiar hug, telling her JB would be lucky to be her man. This reminds Jayde that Brody was, in fact, Kristin's man for nearly a year.

She decides to break up that little walk down memory lane by ordering Brody to "open all these fucking presents." Elegance. Naturally, Brody quickly finds Kristin's sex toy present. Kristin and her shit-eating grin tell Jayde they're for both of them. Brody jokes that they're deep in the relationship and, thus, need to start getting freaky. Does he really have to justify getting freaky to a porn star? Seriously, homegirl has wriggled to the top of a pile of nekkid Brazilians to get a glimpse of Hef's octo-tip. You don't get much freakier than that. Also? Brody's mom is right there. Cringe. Brody loves the collar and puts it on immediately. Then he gets to the whip. He gives it a flick in the air while Kristin Mean Girls that it's really for Jayde since Brody's so whipped. He doesn't notice, though, because he's too busy with his new (sex) toys. Jayde dies a little inside, remembering what it used to be like back in innocent, untainted Canada. Where maple syrup ran freely, and a beaver was nothing but an adorable woodland animal. Oh, those days are gone.

Kristin tells Brody she's having an after party at her house.

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The Hills

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