The Hills
Strike One

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: C | Grade It Now!
The Affair of the Reckless
He is game for it, but Jayde thinks everyone needs to power down for a bit, have some food, and reconvene once they're less shit-faced. A decent idea, but a bit ahead of its time. Brody gets a little nasty at the thought of his ball-and-chain putting the kibosh on his party. He calls her a bitch, then realizes a little too late how harsh that was. All he sees now are her sadly shifting butt cheeks as she teeters away in her teeny-weeny two-piece and hooker heels. Seeing that she's a lost cause, he decides to regain face with his flock of tools and bellows, "We don't care, leave!"

Over at Audrina's house, Derek arrives for their date. They laugh about seeing each other at a Tool concert, where she was swaying drunkenly atop some guy's shoulders. Derek says he didn't mention their date to JB. She tries to play it low-key, but he makes sure to point out that he's well aware of their turbulent comings and goings. She changes the subject, saying she'd rather focus on him. And then that hideous Imogen Heap-hop mash-up plays them out. P>Elsewhere, Spencer and his '70s porn star "friend" hit golf balls into his new at-home driving range, a.k.a. canyon. Spencer asks the porn 'stache what he thinks about the house. 'Stache claims it looks like a responsible, adult, married house. Ummm, consider the source. Spencer informs friendo that Heidi equates marriage with children, and he never would have gotten married (three times!) if he had known this consequence. Spencer starts moaning about the neighbors' damn cute kids who are making Heidi even more excited about child-bearing. Honestly, what's the problem? Just tell her about stretch marks, abdominal gas pockets, and vaginal tearing. That idea will be gone from whence it came.

And then, as if on cue, it's Enzo! That kid really needs some sort of wacky musical interlude to play when he enters the frame. It would go a little something like this -- Singers: "Hens love gooses/ Snoop loves endo/ Everyone else love little Enzo!" Spencer: "Not me!" Singers: "Everyone who counts loves little Enzo!" Seriously, they couldn't have picked a cuter child actor. Good job, casting people! Now can you take Audrina and Bartender Stacie back? At any rate, Spencer tries desperately to work his passive-aggressive manipulation bullshit on little Enzo, but it fails miserably because kids are all about the face value. So then he explains golf to Enzo, which involves Spencer hitting the balls into the canyon and sending Enzo down to fend off coyotes while he retrieves the balls. Word to the wise, Enzo: That didn't work out so well for Daisy Simpson-Lachey. But I speak to soon. Enzo doesn't go for it. Spencer tries Plan C: Hide and Seek. Enzo runs out to count to 2,000 while Spencer and the 'Stache "hide." As the little one scampers off, Spencer groans that he's in over his head and going to get his tubes tied ASAP.

A bit later, BS joins ShePratt and Kristin on her beach chairs. BS mourns JB's flakiness, but Kristin hangs on to her playa street cred, saying she doesn't let boys keep her up at night. Just then, Brody and his entourage arrive with the rambunctious fanfare you might expect from someone who has his own last name tattooed down his torso in massive Edwardian script. He brings down a beer for Kristin. She asks if he had fun today. He says he had a blast until the end, when Jayde got pissy. Kristin fans the flames, saying it was her own fault because Brody's MILF "was, like, Team Kristin." Does anyone really talk about themselves like that? Like, in real life? Brody admits he left Jayde at home because she was being a wet blanket and didn't want to split her boyfriend's attention with Kristin. Fair enough. Kristin acts sympathetic, though not entirely remorseful, saying it's a shame since Jayde was so psyched about the party. Brody reiterates that he loves her, but adds, "Love is a horrible thing when it goes wrong. This is the kind of thing that ends a relationship." Commercials.

Elsewhere, Heidi meets some dickwad in a 10-gallon hat -- oh wait, that's Spencer! -- for sushi dinner. Heidi can't resist commenting on it. Because, for the love! He is clearly not taking the asshat off, so she shifts to which helpless, little living creature they will adopt and slowly destroy in the near future. She lists everything from cats to lizards. Spencer notes that she didn't include "baby" on the list. She's all, "Oh, but I wasn't finished." She says her mom was already pregnant and knocked up a second time at her age. Which worked out so well. He asks if he's in a marriage or a dictatorship. She says both. They start eating, and the soy sauce suddenly becomes a strained metaphor for things that they want, either individually or together. He gets to the point, saying he knows he doesn't want kids -- ever. She counters, "Yes you do. You just don't know it yet." Hmmm... Almost as brilliant as "A baby will fix all our problems!"

The next day, Audrina meets ShePratt at her apartment to rehash the date with Derek. Audrina says he was courteous, funny, lovely -- "everything JB never was" being implied. ShePratt picks up on the subtext and dishes thedirt that JB didn't show for his date with Kristin at Brody's party. Gives new meaning to Kristin's initial assessment of JB as a "stand-up guy." Audrina is immeasurably pleased. ShePratt, who is loving her new position as the judge rather than the judged (didn't I say earlier that there's a first for everything?), gets a little cocky. She snots, "It's so karma," like any great friend would, then corrects herself, "It's not even karma, it's trying to date Justin."

Kristin's. BS sips a cocktail at 10 a.m. as Kristin comes down the stairs complaining about her hangover. Kristin turns the conversation to Brody. BS notes how he and Jayde fight all the time and that Jayde doesn't seem to have much of a taste for Kristin. Kristin says part of it stems from her closeness with the MILF. BS wonders why Kristin and Brody aren't dating. Kristin says they broke up for a reason, though she doesn't elaborate. BS asks if Kristin's talked to JB and if she's mad that he flaked out. Kristin is no fool. She realizes that this is the same shit he pulled with Audrina. BS speculates that JB may just pull these shenanigans so he can push the envelope with whoever he's screwing (over) at any given moment. Kristin resolves not to put up with JB's crap, nor to wait around for him. "Strike one," she declares, and my beloved Kelly plays us out, singing "Goodbye's on the tip of my tongue."

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The Hills




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