The Hills

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Previously, according to Kristin: Speidi spawn. Brody butted heads with Jayde. Justin Bobby jerked Audrina around... for four years. "And then he and I had an amazing time in Vegas. But now that we were back in L.A., I wasn't sure my gamble on Justin was going to pay off..."

Beachelorette pad. Kristin and Bartender Stacie have breakfast paninis and hard liquor while mourning the end of summer and the necessity of JB: Chapter 2. Kristin realizes that their stripper-fueled flame can't be recaptured now that they're back home. BS -- who has known Kristin for all of 10 minutes -- says she's never seen Kristin have so much fun with a guy. Kristin worries about getting hurt again, but BS tells her to go for it, lest she end up alone. God forbid! That's almost as horrifying to BS as finding an empty bar. Kristin lets out a sad little puff as she realizes her only options in this present story arc are JB or eternal loneliness. Credits.

Speidi Web 2.0. Spencer and Brody play H-O-R-S-E-F-A-C-E in honor of Heidi as Spencer updates the Brodester on Heidi's sneaky insemination plan. For his part, Brody whines that Jayde is hitching her star on the wedding wagon, too. Spencer warns him that she'll be talking babies soon, too. Brody admits he'd rather give up his regular piece than cramp his pimp style with a toddler. Glad to see their priorities remain intact.

Elsewhere, Lo preemptively spends her paycheck at Catherine Malandrino while she listens to Audrina's selective amnesia re: JB. "This time it'll be different!" chirps Audrina foolishly. "This time I know what I'm going to do going in to this." Oh, Audrina, we've all seen how well you deal with scripts. Why must we carry on with this farce? Lo simpers something about looking hot, then turns to shake her head and fan herself with crisp $100 bills.

Back at the beachelorette pad, Kristin brings out drinks to JB. They reminisce about the times (good and bad) they've had in this house. He offers her his place to crash while she's looking for a new apartment, insisting that they have some sort of special connection heretofore unknown to him. Kristin lets the offer linger in the air for several beats just so it will sting all the more when she tells him they should cool off. Theirs is a relationship that can only work during summer and on pre-planned larks to Vegas, she says. And Kristin is not a girl for boyfriends, she reminds him. JB says that he's heard that from her before, yet she keeps calling. He tells her to figure herself out.

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The Hills

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