The Hills

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Speidi Web 2.0. Spencer calls Heidi into the living room for a sit-down about the pregnancy test. As you may have suspected just from the lack of omens alone, these two are not set to spawn just yet. Spencer wonders how they got to this state in their young marriage. She says she overreacted equally and opposite to his freak-out about procreating. He admits that his opposition to fatherhood could soften over time, just as his anti-marriage views have. She appreciates his half-step toward her.

Brody's condo. He tells his boys that things are officially over with Jayde -- though her Twitter suggests otherwise. The boys congratulate him on finally growing a pair. Brody says he's been out of the game before, naming several girls who are not Lauren Conrad and therefore I am unaware of their existence. All to the point that Brody is a playa, and it's time to get back in the game. But is he ready to tangle with Kristin? The Artist Formerly Known As Sleazy-T thinks so.

Speaking of, Kristin packs up the Beachelorette pad as the distant rumbling of JB's bike approaches. He enters, uninvited, to cliché that he was "just ridin' around... thinkin'" about their whatever-it-is. She invites him to sit outside and talk about it. As they settle in to the beach chairs, I kind of wish this would be cross-cut with footage of Brody driving furiously toward them for an eleventh hour mano a mano. It would be total bullshit, of course, but if we're not ready to throw our arms up and embrace the fiction of this show yet, when will we ever be? But I digress...

JB tells Kristin he can't let this thing between them go. He acknowledges that he has commitment phobias and echoes Audrina's warnings that he'll end up old and alone. He says he believes in them and wants to go for it. Including, but not limited to, having fun, doing things, and laughing. Kristin maintains her skepticism but opens up a little. She lays some ground rules -- the standard stuff like honesty and effort that has thus far eluded them. He gives her his word, and they seal it with a kiss. She smiles, "So what now? Are you my boyfriend?" He calls it a "stacked question," and she laughs because she, of all the nimrods on this show, is allowed to get it. Kristin and JB only like labels on their glittery helmets, y'all. They kiss some more and cuddle in the sunsets and Leona Lewis plays us out. Because all the Kelly Clarkson songs were taken.

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The Hills

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