The Hills
The Company You Keep

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Lady Lola: D- | Grade It Now!
Lutz Get It Started

That night, the gang assembles for ShePratt's sequintastic birthday celebration. Brody and Sleazy T jokingly carry in Frankie as ShePratt's gift. And Holly's even there! With any luck, she will dance like nobody's watching. Someone's gotta pick up the slack now that ShePratt is court mandated to drink soft drinks. Kristin wastes no time in plopping down on Brody's lap, prompting Frankie to ask what their current status is re: Friends with Benefits. Brody says it depends on how many drinks they have. Kristin puts on a fake(?) drunkface and screams, "Bottom's up!" She laughs and tells BS to make sure she and Kristin go home together at the end of the night.

Just then, McThirdWheel comes in with her friend Allie Lutz. Apparently this Lutz character is one of Kristin's arch nemeses, or so her blurting out, "Shut the fuck up!" would suggest. While Brody tells Frankie to pipe down from desperately calling over McBuzzKill, Kristin talks trash about Lutz, proclaiming her "the dumbest girl on the planet." I'm up in the air as to whether she's dumb, but homegirl does not know the first thing about aesthetics. We're talkin' bleached-to-death blonde hair and brown, thick lip liner over frosted mauve lipstick. Ugh.

McBadLiar shuffles into the middle of the crowd and pretends she didn't realize Brody would be at the party. After they clack over the other side of the banquette, Audrina asks for the back-story on ol' Lip Liner Lutz. Brody says there was some sort of misunderstanding after someone stole a ring of her at one of his parties, so she broke into his house, woke him up, and demanded he give her ring back. Audrina wonders how she knows McMySpace.

Kristin interrupts to tell Brody that McStormCloud is giving him the evil eye. He acts all above it, calling her out for showing up where she wasn't invited (by him at least -- since he's the only person in this group) and not causing an overdramatic scene. Give it time, B... Kristin calls LiLi Lutz a "psycho bitch." At which point we pan across the banquette, and it becomes obvious that the gruesome twosome are, like, two feet away and can hear everything. LiLi Lutz claims she's here "supporting a friend." Kristin tells her to bugger off, explaining that she hates LiLi Lutz because of Brody and the break-in incident. LiLi Lutz claims her innocence, but Kristin's all, "I was in the bed, sweetheart." Ha! As the scene gets more heated, others begin to wonder who this trashbag L.A. Face is with McChooseYourFriendsWisely. They agree that she must not be a very classy broad if she hangs out with the likes of LiLi Lutz.

As ShePratt's sad, oversized cake comes out unlit, Brody sardonically gives a big cheer for the birthday party. Kristin laughs haughtily, knowing she's one of the cool kids right this minute. LiLi Lutz wonders if McKnowYourPlaceGirl is going to confront Brody. Two feet away, it's now Lo who has to tell someone to be nice to McKickedToTheCurbAnyMinuteNow. And that someone is Brody. They stand up to take a picture, at which point McSocialCues decides to confront Brody. Except she doesn't seem to have the vaguest notion of what she wants out of this conversation -- except respect? Always respect. God, I'm smacking my head. Brody reminds her that Kristin's his ex-girlfriend, as if that makes it okay that he sometimes cheats with her, and tells McSocialClimber that she'll never get respect by affiliating herself with LiLi Lutz. He takes off with Kristin, leaving McKutOut in his dust.

The next day at work, McKickedInTheGut initiates the requisite rehash with Lo. She thinks she should make sure Brody knows the "real" her, as if he cares. Lo hints that maybe his behavior indicates the aforementioned lack of empathy, but McKan'tSeeTheForestForTheTrees is full steam ahead on her foolhardy endeavor. She calls him, and he ignores her call -- all the better to make pervy double entendres toward Kristin, who's still at his apartment.

Later, Kristin meets up with Audrina to recap the night before. Mainly they just want to mean girl LiLi Lutz, who Kristin says "looks like a 45-year-old stripper who smokes a pack a day." They agree that McKickMe was foolish to ally herself with LiLi Lutz and must have been knocked down a peg after facing -- and being overcome by -- the unstoppable chemistry that is Kristin and Brody. Yes, friends, the unstoppable chemistry of two mumbling, constantly drunk asshats with easily directed personalities. Wouldn't you be crushed by their dim-witted forcefulness, too? Sheesh. Audrina is totally taken in by it, and goes, "You guys are, like, soul mates." Kristin smiles smugly. Audrina's phone chimes for about the 50th time during this conversation, and she finally admits it's been JB each time. Kristin (remember how she bonked him?) gets a devilish look in her eyes and says it's "trouble-trouble-trouble!"

Meanwhile, McSaveYourself calls a sit-down with LiLi Lutz to clear up Brody and Kristin's accusations. LiLi Lutz tries to be all, "We're not in high school anymore!" Oh honey, if you think that's true of this world, then you got off on the wrong L.A. bus stop. This is high school to the max. Had timelines been different, Saved by the Bell, 90210: Original Recipe, and My So-Called Life would have all taken notes from the ongoing lesson in immaturity and social stratification that is this show. It's high school redux.

LiLi Lutz asserts that Kristin was spreading lies about some break-in that never happened, but it's pretty lackluster and unconvincing. McKomputation's all, "Well, I've known them for five seconds, and I've known you for six seconds, so I guess you're telling the truth." LiLi Lutz patronizingly talks about how sweet and innocent McGriftee is. For her part, McEasilyConvinced says she's not out to make enemies. And you're here again why then? LiLi Lutz warns that Kristin is a hateful, hurtful girl. And the two of them carry on with their mutual appreciation society about how genuine and honest and drama-free each other is, knowing that when the right moment comes, they will literally claw one another's eyes out to take a spot among the higher-ups.

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The Hills




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