The Hills
The Company You Keep

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Lady Lola: D- | Grade It Now!
Lutz Get It Started

That night, Audrina welcomes back Coiffe-y Talk from the road by ambushing him with a discussion about their relationship. She passive-aggressively gives him an open-door policy with groupies when she really just wants to clear the way for her to explore her eternally idiotic fixation with JB. He assures her he has no interest in groupies, indirectly telling her he loves her. She continues protesting, saying they're moving too quickly. He tells her that what they have (symbiotic fame whoring?) is rare and that she's getting in the way of herself by thinking of all the reasons they don't work. She maintains she needs to pause for a minute and work through things.

The next day, Audrina is conspicuously missing from Kristin's Sex and the Hills-style get-together. Lo excuses her, saying things are rough between her and Mousse McGillicutty. Kristin kick-starts another trash talking session about LiLi Lutz's audacious appearance at ShePratt's birthday party. Lo sticks up for McKastOff in many ways, but even she must agree that her choice of buddies is suspect. She tells Kristin that McKrashAndBurn wants to have a d├ętente to clear the air. Honestly, she'd be wiser to call a peace accord and mutually agree to delineate some sort of custody agreement over Brody. They'd each get to pursue their doomed fixations with him, and he'd get laid every night. Everybody wins!

Lo says that she was in the next cubicle when Brody ignored McRejectLine's call. Kristin wonders why someone would keep going back to the person who hurt them. At last, a moment when Audrina could prove herself useful. And in classic style, she's not there. Worthless. Meanwhile, it's pretty rich talk coming from Kristin. But I guess the crotch wants what it wants. Lo earnestly urges Kristin to talk to McKutOutOfTheEquation to give her some closure. Then the girls laugh some more about what a pathetic loser McPunchline will be after losing both Brody and LiLi Lutz. So much for that split-second of concern for another human being they just displayed.

Over in the seedier part of town, Audrina visits JB and one of his grease monkey friends as they work on one of his Harleys. She assumes the Megan Fox pose, and they leer a little in between flirts. JB asks about the situation with "Spikey." Audrina says she didn't and that her relationship with the Dearly DEParted was becoming too draining because they were arguing all the time. Totally not like your four-year bickering megamix with JB, right Audrina? JB unironically nods in agreement about the dangers of couples not being on the same page. At least I think it's unironic, it's hard to tell with him. Honestly, he probably takes as much perverse pleasure in this conversation as I do.

But he's only having fun inasmuch as he's the one making the joke at Audrina's expense. She plays right into his hand, obliquely saying how actions speak louder than words. He plays dumb, asking, "What actions?" She gives him a look and a shrug of the shoulders, like, "You know what I'm talking about." Of course he shuts down and sputters out some mumbo jumbo about being able to tell that certain people are meant to be together. He tells her to take that for what it is, implying that clearly she and Gel-ena Bonham Carter obviously don't fit that mold. Audrina pretends like she knows what he's talking about, and wanders away like a little girl lost. JB all the while randomly twitches like somebody needs to change his battery. Seriously, does a brother have Tourette's? Perhaps have all the times he's actually uttered his commitment to Audrina just been tics? That would explain a lot, I think. Either way, the dance has begun again.

That night, Kristin arrives for the closure ceremony. McKhristShe'sDumb actually smiles and waves like Kristin's her old pal. They exchange niceties, and McKutTheCrap gets down to business. She acknowledges that she "brought the drama" by unknowingly bringing LiLi Lutz into the lion's den. Kristin warns her to get out while the gettin's good because LiLi Lutz is "pure evil." She adds smugly that she knows McNotSoQuickOnTheUptake will eventually figure out LiLi Lutz's true colors either way.

Kristin asks what's going on between her and Brody. McGullible tells Kristin all the lies and lines Brody told her. Kristin cuts to the quick, saying Brody was clearly just trying to sleep with her. She warns her to make a quick exit from the winners' circle and to take LiLi Lutz with her. Kristin chugs her glass of wine and heads out as McKutDownToSize picks her jaw, and her pride, up off the floor.

Next week: ShePratt confesses her crimes and misdemeanors to Max. McTakeTwo calls another meet-up with LiLi Lutz to talk about the whole break-in thing. JB and Hair-iette Beecher Stowe meet. Very awkwardly. Complete with mangled high five-fist bump combination. Hair-iette notes the awkwardness and calls out Audrina for not being entirely truthful with him. Then Kristin emboldens herself with big hair for a throwdown with LiLi Lutz.

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The Hills




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