The Hills

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: B | 883 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
"Take a Breath"

Old Man Playing Frankie twitches a little, as if someone just sent an electric pulse to his brain, before making a non sequitur comment that the evening has become Couples Bowling Night. Brody quickly dismisses the notion, saying it's just friends hanging out. Of course Kristin hears this and cranks the pout up to 8. Then Brody, who is totally not in a couple with Kristin, goes and wraps his arms around her all boyfriend-like. On the sidelines, Gel-dilocks wonders what Brody's deal with Kristin is and what his deal with her is. Audrina says Brody and Kristin dated about four years ago and assures him that there's nothing between herself and Brody, though he has a crush on Audrina and "wants what he can't have." Pomade Pattinson is utterly baffled why Brody's such a dick to him, then. At this, I want to grab old Stalagmite Hair and tell him to stop trying to apply reason to these people's behavior. I've been doing it for several seasons now, and it's a losing battle. He seems to intuit this on his own, at least for now, and he suggests to Audrina that they leave. Brody gives her an extended hug as Kristin glares on, then gazes longingly as Audrina exits the bowling alley. He hates to see her go, but man does he love to watch her leave!

The next day, we are instantly reminded how far this show has fallen by the "Lose Control"-esque jam the editors have shoehorned in as a segue to Enzo's party. It's the kind of music they used to play when LC and the gang were all getting crunk for to da clubz. But now that one main character is a sequestered whack job, another -- his wife -- scares strangers in public, another is in alcohol education for DUI, and the rest are getting older and lamer by the minute, those days are far, far gone. Need I remind you the last scene was in a bowling alley? And at least one person was drinking red wine in said bowling alley? Adam DiVello must cry himself to sleep some nights, thinking of all the promise these jerk offs have squandered of late.

Anyhow, so Enzo's party! Yay! Goats and piƱatas and bounce castles, oh my! There is even a freaking elephant. Hence the aggressively symbolic title of the episode. Enzo, I fear, is getting less cute along with the rest of the characters. Do his eyebrows look higher? Has Heidi gotten her mitts on him? Over in a corner, Brody and his gang of miscreants bemoan the lack of MILFs around and forlornly mock what Spencer has become. Three years ago, he was stroking Bunnies (of the Playboy kind) at the hottest spots in town, today he is kissing a fucking goat on the lips. They try to make light of it all but can't help agree that this is a nightmare. Truth.

The Hills

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