The Hills

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"Take a Breath"

Previously: ShePratt tried to get back to her conniving ways and failed miserably. Though the whole "Kristin's a drug addict" storyline -- or at least its supposed origins as portrayed by the show -- stunk like six-day-old fish from the moment it aired, so it's a wash. Speaking of washing, Audrina's new boyfriend does not. How the Hell else does he get his hair that way? Don't tell me it's gel. I know from gel, and that shiz is more Depp than Dep. And yet the taint of this somehow turned Brody on. A mere appetizer on the smorgasbord of d-bag-tainted rockers' leftovers, I suppose. Such is the way of Brody. And finally, lest we forget, Spencer is crazy in a way that even 500 grand of crystals can't heal. Seriously, I think he might lunge through the screen and strangle me as I am typing this. And, warns Kristin, "As far as Spencer was concerned, we hadn't seen anything yet..."

Brody and Kristin stroll along the beach mocking an upcoming birthday party Heidi is throwing for Enzo. They agree that one silver lining of the party will be that ShePratt likely won't be there since Spencer blew his gasket at her last time she breathed near his crystals. Oh, how they underestimate her masochism! Speaking of Kristin's destruct-o-matic housewarming party, Kristin wonders what's going on between Audrina and Sonic the Hedgehog. Brody tries to act impassive. Kristin tweaks him a little by saying she thinks they're getting serious. Brody continues feigning indifference, so she teases that he looks upset. He admits he would hook up with Audrina given the chance, then -- and I'm barely paraphrasing here -- is all, "But you're here right now, so I guess you'll do." She laughs as he scoots over to her blanket, happy that her petty trickery has had its desired effect. Even if she is kind of consolation for the moment. Even though she was there first? God, these people are incestuous gross. Credits.

Speidi Pad. Heidi non-emotes to a party planner about all the wizards and animals and other various decor she wants for Enzo's party. Spencer drives up and is immediately taken about at the growing behemoth that is Enzo's bash. Clearly he's never been invited to a shindig at the Spelling-McDermott house. He starts freaking out that Enzo's mom should be throwing the party, so Heidi tells him to take down the negativity a notch and "take a breath." The party planner has the audacity to claim the party will be good for his "spirit." Spencer, who is hyperventilation-level deep breathing at this point, agrees that his spirit is something he's "working on." Then Heidi reminds Spencer that his friends (who are they exactly?) will be there, too, so "It'll be like a party for both of you!" I love that this is exactly the kind of bullshit you feed to a spoiled child who doesn't want to share his toys or his snack or his whatever with another child. Spencer acts sarc-cited before walking off babbling under his breath to himself like the paranoid psychopath that he is. He continues his yammering at an increased decibel, yelling to anyone and no one in particular as Heidi says he needs to "lighten up" before resuming preparations for Enzo's big day. Dear lord, I pray that child has already seen Heidi's new face, or turning seven could very well be one of the most traumatic experiences of his short little life.

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The Hills

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