The Hills
This Is Goodbye

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The Dark Crystals

Previously: Audrina sidled up to GELly Roll Morton for a real-deal relationship, much to the chagrin of Brody. It did provide a bit of an upshot for Kristin, who seems content to gnaw on Audi 5000's leftovers for the moment. Spencer made out with a baby goat then went seriously crazy -- like, maniacal and sinister crazy -- much to the tearful chagrin of Holly. "But no one could have predicted what was about to happen next..."

ShePratt and Mrs. Holly Roper meet up for a lunch to plot their search-and-destroy mission. Holly complains about Spencer's freaky threats and how much she misses and worries about Heidi. ShePratt agrees that she's never known someone to lose their mind like Spencer -- without the help of illicit substances, that is. Holly says she just wants to be happy. "Screw that," shoots back ShePratt, "I just want her to be normal again." Oh, ShePratt, did that ever really exist? And if we returned to those days, would you even be in the picture? No, no you would not. Credits.

Heidi lurches her ginormous breasts up for a lunch gab with Kristin. Kristin mentions that she's been hanging out with Brody, so Heidi says that Spencer is missing the calming influence of his "brah." To which Kristin's all, "Yeah, about that... What the ever-loving fuck is wrong with your husband?" Heidi tries to defend Spencer, saying he's always been crazy and that he's "fun crazy." Kristin thinks he's changed -- and not for the better. She says he's scary and that Heidi shouldn't stick around, and I quote, "if he's losing his mind." She assures Heidi that she and the others will be there for her, which is almost as laughable as the idea that Spencer's "fun crazy." Heidi counters that she wants to "focus on love" because she loves Spencer more than anything else. "Who am I without Spencer?" she asks. Well, for starters, not a codependent Wildenstein Lite carnie act-in-the-making.

Across town, Audrina visits the Dippity Douche as he records his latest middling adult contemporary rock paean. He jokes that he biffed the ending because her lack of eye contact made him nervous. She notes the mancave-like surroundings, so he points out the crystals. She wonders if they were a crazy-eyed gift from Spencer, and he assures her they were not. She changes gears, saying she and Kristin wanted to set up a night for everyone to hang out at the latest hot spot. He is understandably anxious to ascertain who she means by "everyone." She agrees that her friends can be "intense." By which she means overly catty, baseline dumb, and generally a waste of space.

That night, Kristin tries to disprove the rumors by turning down a shot from Brody. He chides her like a seventh grader, "Laaaaaaame!" Glad to see he's a supporter of his friends' questionable sobriety. Audrina arrives sans Ferdinand MaGELlan. So, while ShePratt tries to lure Kristin back to her apartment with flimsy promises of an at-home spray tan machine (mmmmmhmmmm), Brody goes in for the kill. He tells Audrina (in painfully obvious voice-over) that he has a lot of things to tell her -- things that he couldn't tell her while he had a girlfriend -- "you know, about... life." Awesomely, Audrina shuts him down, pointing out not only that Kristin is up on his jock for the cameras, but also that he's just doing this for his own screen time and -- more importantly -- she has a boyfriend. So, to summarize, Audrina's looking out for her own. She can settle for Brody fucking up her whole life à la Justin Bobby. Or she can get three times the screen time by having her own life, an uncompromised friendship with Kristin, and no shame from allowing Brody to use her to extend his 15 minutes. Looks like that hot bitch Rumer Willis taught our girl some thangs about Hollywood strategery.

As we get deeper into the night, Spencer inexplicably shows up. I can't decide whether he looks crazier in the company of others or in his secluded canyon hideaway. Either way, kid ain't right. Brody calls Spencer out for sequestering himself and making himself unhappy. Spencer wells up and can barely take it upon himself to deny Brody's armchair analysis.

ShePratt debates with Audrina whether she should leave when Brody calls Audrina over. Why? I don't know. Perhaps so she can get yelled at. Because that's exactly what Spencer does, telling her, "You are the lamest fucking girl in this club." Should this be making sense to anyone? I mean, I write thousands of words on these people every week, and I have no idea why Spencer suddenly decided he has a massive grudge against Audrina. She doesn't seem to know either, nor does Brody.

He calls Spencer a crazy weirdo. He says this, I might add, in a rather even-keeled tone, considering they're in a club and Spencer just got arbitrarily nasty with someone relatively blameless (mainly because she's too dumb for scheming). Still, Spencer says that that's the loudest he's been yelled at in three years and tells Brody to step off before they "have a problem." And therein lies the problem, I think. No one ever speaks up to this person. He's cut out everyone contrary and huddled himself away with a robotic wifey of his own creation. After that, Brody actually does yell at him. It's warranted. Spencer shakes like a maniac as he tells Frankie that "no one knows how dangerous" he is and that he's having to hold himself back from smashing Brody's face in. Everyone looks at the sideshow up in here while Spencer, without Heidi's urging, takes a breath. Which only makes him look more like a lunatic.

The next day, Audrina tells ShePratt that Heidi has called an emergency girly powwow with her and Kristin. ShePratt wonders what has become of her brother. Sure, he may have been a self-centered prick, but at least he was sane-ish. She says he has no reason to hate everyone like he does. I might have to disagree with that. I pretty much hate all these people, and I have no daily dealings with them. So on that point I might swing toward Spencer's camp. ShePratt thinks it's bullshit that Heidi is seeking out the advice of Audrina and Kristin when she won't even talk to Holly or her. "I don't know," she says, "he's a loose cannon, and Heidi's there for the ride." Audrina says she's taking a wait-and-see approach. ShePratt urges Audrina to mention her during the meet-up. Oh dear, a ShePratt never does change her stripes. Instigating even in a time of legitimate crisis.

The next day, Kristin and Audrina arrive before Heidi to the lunchtervention and proceed to talk shit about this friend they care so dearly about as she is literally walking in the door. They agree that Spencer is batshit, and Kristin ups the ante by saying that Heidi seemed pretty off-kilter at their lunch the other day. "He's just really gone off the deep end," says Kristin a split-second before breaking into a wide smile to greet Heidi. They all hug and smile and compliment Heidi's Heidiwood shorts that she "made." Fake or fabulous? You decide.

Once Heidi sits down, Audrina mentions Spencer's outburst at da club. Heidi makes an excuse that he has "a lot going on." Like what? Online crystal buying? Studying blueprints of government buildings in major cities? Audrina tells Heidi she's in denial, and Kristin agrees. Heidi claims that all guys are a little bit controlling, prompting a pretty killer "Jigga what?" expression from Kristin. The gals point out that Spencer's former zaniness has transformed into full-on angry scariness. Kristin says she doesn't know many girls who'd be okay with this Frankensteinery. Counters Heidi, "Here's the thing: You don't know me." She claims that Spencer didn't change her, that she changed herself. She says she no longer has the time nor energy to deal with the constant interventions, which is why she's cut people out. It's an answer that's really neither here nor there since they're talking about how Spencer's the one who's turned into a monster. S

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The Hills




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