The Hills
This Is Goodbye

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The Dark Crystals
till, can you blame Heidi for taking it a little personally considering she's the one with stitches hidden under various weave pieces and flaps of skin all over her body? The ladies can only shake their heads in sad resignation.

That night, Kristin, Bartender Stacie, and Audrina meet up at that club that won't admit LiLo. Kristin asks where Colonel Moussetard is, and Audrina says that the pop sensation is at home in bed. Soon enough Brody shows up with his pussy posse, followed quickly by Lo and ShePratt. Kristin and Brody do their monkey dance, flirting and finally kissing when one of the homies literally commands them to do it. Just in case you didn't know these are glorified sixth graders with ill-advised access to alcohol...

And then! Heidi and Spencer make their way in and set up their little crystal trunk show, Amway-stylez. Spencer is wearing a crystal for courage while Heidi is wearing one "for geniuses" that protects her "in war zones." At this, she tries to wink at Kristin, except the individual parts of her face are pretty much glued together at this point, so it's more of a blink. Also? My mind just melted. The dumb ones struggle to humor her while Kristin struggles not to laugh in her face.

Across the VIP area, Holly bitches at no one in particular about her strained relations with Spencer. She says she hopes Spencer initiates a fight because she "will kick his little fucking ass punk bitch across town, and then he can shut up once and for all!" Back to the banquette, Spencer tells Kristin he doesn't let Heidi watch TV or read the internet. All she does all day is write poetry, pray, and pet puppies, he says. "And read books!" Heidi chimes in proudly. Spencer says ominously that Heidi is "logged out of The Matrix." Kristin can't even be asked to comment on this because she's scanning nearby exits for when Spencer unleashes fireballs from his eyes.

Back to Holly, who tells ShePratt she's about to lose it. She can't believe Heidi was so rude to her and didn't defend her at the last encounter with Spencer. ShePratt says she's ceased trying with them. Holly moans that the Pratts have cut out everybody. Cut to a shot of Spencer watching the light of a candle flicker through his crystal, his Preciouuuuuuus. Fireballs, people! Kristin finally finds a suitable evacuation route and takes Brody with her.

The next day, Kristin pours Brody his morning coffee as he struts around in a crop top. They piece together what happened last night through the vague recollections of their drunk goggles. Kristin says she thinks what they "have going on" is good. He makes his intentions clear, saying he's enjoying being single. She lies and says she is, too. Or is she lying? It's hard to tell with Kristin because she doesn't really fit into the trope of the rest of the nincompoops on this show. It makes her both a brilliant and flawed torchbearer for this dismal last season.

They make the inevitable shift to recap Heidi and Spencer's performance the night before. Kristin thinks he's too possessive but acknowledges that Heidi's a willing participant. Or, at the very least, a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. They agree that, either way, the two of them aren't living in the same world as everyone else is. Brody adds to the conversation that lunacy is a Pratt family trait. Maybe it skipped a generation? With nothing more to say on that subject, Kristin playfully tells Brody to leave the crop top on as they playfully begin a little afternoon delight.

Later that day, ShePratt absolutely revels in the fact that she was right about Spencer's insanity. She and Lo hop into her car and head to Kristin's house to meet up with her and Audrina. On the drive, ShePratt says she doesn't know whether to be angry or sad. Lo tells her to let go. ShePratt says Holly's not ready to give up yet and still entertains notions of kidnapping Heidi and de-programming her. ShePratt points out it's a two-way street.

They arrive at Kristin's, where Holly will also be joining the pre-intervention. But where is Candy Finnigan or Jeff VanVonderen, I ask you? No intervention is complete without them! They whip out their copy of DSM-IV for Dummies and start rattling off all the symptoms of a cult member that Heidi is displaying. She seems brainwashed and no longer displays emotion (not entirely a mental incapacity, that one). Lo wonders where they "took a left turn, to..." Finishes Kristin, "Crazytown." Holly says sadly that her mom can't even talk anymore about Heidi without getting upset. Kristin thinks Heidi feels trapped and afraid. Perhaps that Spencer will snap, hack her up with a hatchet, and eat her insides.

Out of nowhere, ShePratt gets on the defense, tearfully claiming that even though Spencer is "mean at times" (understatement of the year!), Heidi is fairly manipulative herself. She thinks Heidi relishes the attention of victimhood. Holly agrees that Heidi's not entirely innocent in all this. Lo says that Heidi bears just as much guilt as Spencer but hides behind him. Holly says both of their actions are unforgivable and that she can't take it anymore. Well then don't forgive them and let them finish cutting you out of their lives, for fuck's sake! Why save someone who is universally agreed upon to be a miscreant?

Kristin says the Pratts have no one left. Except for this bunch of dipshits with a communal Messiah Complex, of course. Holly says that ShePratt, as a former addict, should be able to lead them in the ways of recovery. Audrina chips in that they can no longer make Heidi or Spencer do anything, that they've chosen their path. And therein lies the bottom line. Even ShePratt chooses to abandon the gold mine of drama in order to create a rock bottom for her sister and his Frankenbride. Kristin says they've tried everything they can. They all nod sympathetically, vowing to speak no more of the God-forsaken Pratts.

Everyone, that is, except Holly. The classic enabler. She bawls that Heidi has always been there for her, but now she fears little sis is lost forever. She hates the fact that her family and ShePratt's sires have to go through this. And only get paid $90k an episode! Now that's the real travesty! Holly and ShePratt weep silently as they mourn the loss of their relevance.

Next week: ShePratt and Brody both go out on dates. Guess which one inspires Kristin to put on her bar-fightin' face.

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The Hills




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