The Hills
Welcome to the Jungle

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
Love Roller Costa Rica

I got 99 Problems, and The Bitch is just one. This show has been on for 100 episodes, y'all. Not to mention the Speidi wedding special. Oh wait, I just did. Damn it! So, blah, blah, blah, previously: Lots of cringe-inducing hangers-on battling it out for screen time with needlessly protracted showmances with dim-witted pretty people, not to mention the five-episode absence of our beloved Speidi. Which I also just mentioned (and am kind of saddened by). Double damn it! Oh yeah, and the whole gang decided to go to Costa Rica! "But even when you go halfway around the world, it's hard to leave your problems behind..."

The intrepid explorers' chartered plane touches down in the vast, raw wilderness. Our fearless trailblazers take in their surroundings -- the mangoes, the gorillas. While several make their way to a suitably tropical bamboo palais, ShePratt singles out Audrina to poke her wounds a bit about Justin Bobby, who just happens to be on this very trip. Not set up at all, no sirree.

Back at the Bamboomboom Room, Kristin predicts that JB and Audrina are sure to hook up. Lest you ever forget, let me remind you that Kristin used to bang JB and throw it in Audrina's face with impunity. Also? JB is sitting right in front of her with a lecherous smile on his face. Gross. Frankie earns his paycheck by chipping in that Brody and Kristin will definitely hook up. Kristin plays the same "innocent card" for which McExile was so harshly criticized last week. Brody makes no bones that he'll take whatever he can get. Then JB digs for gold in his ear canal and tries to make a funny, half-singing, "What happens in Costa... goes straight back home!" Credits.

The next day, bathing beauties Kristin and Bartender Stacie are soaking like hippos in the shallow pools of Santa Teresa Beach. I use the term "bathing beauties" loosely because BS clearly needs the maquillaje -- that's how they say "makeup" in Costa Rican. They revisit that fresh-as-a-daisy topic of who will slap skins on vacay. Naturally they return to JB and Audrina's dead-as-a-doornail entanglement. They agree that some girls just have "that guy" who has a hold on her. Kristin insists that she has no such guy, so BS is all, "Duh, Brody?!" Kristin tries to pretend she and the Brodester are all chill, but then proves weak in her arguments when she does admit that she's careful not to hook up or flirt with any guys around him. She calls it "respectful" behavior. Naturally, BS suggests Kristin flirt with every guy on the island. Well, that certainly would make short shrift of this God-forsaken respectability pretense.

That night, the gang knocks back shots at the nearest bar and acknowledges that they won't be doing anything early the next morning. JB sets about conspicuously flirting with Audrina. Frankie sweet talks to a lip-ringed bartender named Will in Costa Rican about ceviche, which Kristin loudly deems "hot." Audrina comments to ShePratt that it must be funny to watch a bunch of drunken louts from a sober perspective. Obviously this is an activity Audrina has never attempted. ShePratt lies that she's amused.

Kristin starts flirting ostentatiously with Will. Brody shoots her down, saying he's scoping out chicks, too. The fact that there are none nearby and that he immediately turns his gaze to Frankie doesn't seem to faze him. Brody tells Kristin that he loves her like a sister. Kristin shoots back that he's being a dick and loudly proclaims to Will that he's her ex-boyfriend. Will does the bartender-ly thing and acknowledges that life's complicated, man.

Kristin makes a dramatic show of going to the pool as Audrina worries about the rapidly descending drama factor. Brody doesn't seem to care because he's on a brocation with his bros (and at least one chick with low enough self-esteem to overlook his assbaggery and sleep with him in a few hours regardless). Back to the drama, as Audrina and ShePratt get up to head elsewhere, JB apparently grabs her ass (both cheeks, in case you're wondering). ShePratt says it can't be a booze-related goose-and-run because JB isn't drinking, and the girls are left to wonder what to do next.

Over in the pool, Kristin tells BS and Sleazy-T that she's done with Brody after the sister comment. BS advises her to remove herself from the rotation, but Sleazy says they've got too much history for her to jump ship like that. She admits she loves him, then dunks herself in the water. Oh, Kristin, there will be no late-life baptism for you, girl. Some stains just don't wash out. And his name is Justin Bobby.

Kristin heads back to the bar and places herself in prime position in front of Brody before she invites Will to meet up later. He says there's a cool bar on the beach that he'd like to show her. She agrees, so he replies, "It's a date!" Like any seventh grader would do, she pretends to blush as she and everyone around are all, "A date?!" Cut to requisite blank-faced shot of Brody that we're supposed to read as "feathers ruffled."

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The Hills




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