The Hills
Welcome to the Jungle

Episode Report Card
Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
Love Roller Costa Rica

Later, everyone meets up at the beach club and downs yet more shots, just with more clothes. Lightning strikes in the distance, and it's Will and Kristin's first instinct to go out to dance in the rain. If only this scenario reached its glorious potential! Alas, Will and Kristin just make small talk about how wet they're going to get (hubba hubba!) and bounce around in this contrived display of impulsiveness. Across the dance floor, Brody walks around with a pained look on his face, though I suspect it's because he's hot as a mofo due to the knit cap he's wearing. Coupled with the baseball cap from earlier, I suppose someone didn't bring enough product to combat the Costa Rican humidity.

The next morning, ShePratt and Audrina -- carrying take-away cups of coffee, it's worth noting -- walk into the other girls' massive resort mansion and grouse about how they had to rough it during their 10-yard walk through manicured bush paths. The ladies set about rehashing Kristin's sexy dancing the night before and handicapping the hook-ups to come. Kristin has made a date with Will Be Gone By Tomorrow. Audrina, on the other hand, feels like she doesn't know JB anymore and classifies them as "friendly," as opposed to "friends."

As the girls ride four wheelers, the guys hit the waves. Intriguingly, JB is quite the expert. When he, Brody, and Charlie return to the beach, they settle the score on their respective lady objects. JB denies that he's going to pursue anything with Audrina since she's pretty much damaged goods at this point. No mention of the fact that he's the one who damaged her, natch. Frankie says he should go for it anyway. Classy! Similarly, Brody is dubious about moving forward with Kristin. Sleazy mentions his heart-to-heart with her in the pool the night before. Frankie stokes the fire by mentioning that she went directly from said heart-to-heart and flirted with Will. Brody suspects she was just doing it to get a rise out of him, and the guys agree Kristin would hook up with him post-haste if given the chance.

The girls find another surfing locale and grouse about the guys. Kristin pretty much proves Brody's theory by saying she'll keep hanging out with Will if he keeps being a jerk to her.

That night, Will joins everyone for dinner. BS thanks him for coming, cueing Kristin to pointedly announce, "He's with me." She fishes for compliments and relishes in looking at Brody after Will gives them to her. Down the table, Audrina tells JB he acted awkwardly the night before. He explains that he's been keeping his distance on account of the Hedgehog Situation. She insists she doesn't have any baggage and that they're friends now, so she should be cool. Interesting what a wildly different story she tells him versus her friends. Of course JB comes out with one of his classic vagaries: "Whatever it is, it is. Whatever will be, will be..."

A bit later, Brody pretends he's looking after Kristin when he's really just marking his territory. Kristin makes a toast to their last night in Costa Rica and how well they've all gotten along. Uh huh... Brody dickishly adds in, "And to all my sisters I've had sex with." Kristin acts offended that he might insult her vaginal integrity, then hypocritically grabs Will by the hand and takes him down to the beach to bang.

The next day, the girls point out how Hayek-esque ShePratt is about nature as they tease her with all manner of spiders, leaves, et al. Kristin brags about how sweet Will has been to her and ever-so-kindly points it out that nobody else has gotten any. BS, who has experience with hotel rooms that reek of Kristin's afterglow, is unsurprised.

That afternoon, ShePratt remains terrified of creepy crawlies -- and now cheetahs? -- as they hike (with beers) to a waterfall nearby. After they get there -- with some gratuitous cleavage shots as the girls stumble over the rocks -- Brody patronizingly congratulates ShePratt for finishing the hike. They take to swimming, and of course JB is wearing a Speedo. Ha. They take turns climbing up the rock wall of the waterfall, with Brody going the highest to show everyone his prettiest swan dive. He's the Alpha Male, y'all. Just in case you forgot.

Some hours later, the kids have packed up and headed back to the air strip. As they wait for their plane, Kristin tries to provoke jealousy by saying she could live here, or at least visit Will. Brody playfully takes the bait, prompting Kristin to ask if he's jealous and remind everyone how sweet Will is. Just down the bench, JB asks Audrina if she had a good time. She thinks it was weird that they came as a group to this romantic getaway. He asks if she would come again, and she takes her usual tack of remaining silent and letting people draw their own conclusions. I think of everyone on this show, she's been brainwashed the most. I mean, she is actually now living their editing schematic! Or maybe she's just that dumb and inarticulate. Probably both, actually. So JB draws the conclusion that she wouldn't like to come back again, and they sit in strained silence. Tell me something I don't know, show.

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The Hills




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