MTV decided to get a bit of a jump on the third season premiere, so I missed the "Previously on..." segment, but allow me to try to approximate things: Lauren and Heidi were friends. Heidi started dating Spencer. Spencer is an unimaginable dickwad. Lauren recognized this. Heidi did not. Heidi couldn't handle being around someone who knew how shitty her boyfriend was, so she moved out. Caught up?
We open at the Teen Vogue offices, where Lauren and Whitney are having a contrived conversation about what's been happening since Season 2. And, look, every conversation on this show is not only highly contrived but is glaringly, obviously contrived, so it's really not worth me mentioning it sixty times in one recap. Just assume that when I'm describing two people interacting at a cafĂ© or at work or on the phone, that conversation has been manufactured to an intelligence-insulting degree. Anyhoo...Lauren congratulates Whitney, sitting at her brand new desk, on her promotion up the ranks at Teen Vogue, which is nice considering Whitney's the only person on this show who actually appears to work at her job. Lauren then recaps what went on between seasons, or at least the part about how a rumor began circulating that she and Jason had made a sex tape and it was making the round or some such. Lauren said it was all over the internet, all over Laguna where her parents heard about it, everywhere. "Who does that?" Whitney asks, to the universe. Who indeed? Lauren says she can't fathom hating somebody so much that you'd start a rumor like that. Seriously, who would do such a thing? Who? On a completely different subject, Whitney asks, "Have you heard from Heidi lately?" CREDITS.
"HEIDI & SPENCER'S APARTMENT," the captions scream at us. It's most definitely a threat. Spencer shows up with a faux-retro looking aquarium that someone probably told him was the new hot thing to have. Heidi, of course, had no idea Spencer was going to be buying an aquarium, because Heidi barely has a say in what she eats for breakfast. She's been working on invitations to their housewarming party, and she's planning on inviting Lauren, Audrina, and Whitney. Spencer's like, "...Yeah, maybe." Okay, now's a good a time as any to address the issues of Heidi's face. Maybe it's just because I fear change that it bothers me so much, but there's something scary about it. The viewing party and I took an informal poll. What we're pretty sure of: nose job; teeth fixed. What we were less sure about: cheek implants? Eye job? What we ended up discovering was the actual thing we couldn't put our finger on: she bleached her eyebrows. It makes her look like an alien. So in other words, Spencer has finally succeeded in making Heidi over so that she now looks busted enough to be dating him. Congrats!