Janice introduces Peter to her new models, and he says what we expect Janice to say: Lauren and Nyabel are fat, among other various mean things. Janice's motivation for partnering with him becomes clear as she looks positively charitable and loving in comparison. Janice holds Lauren and Nyabel's pudgy, sticky, brownie-batter covered hands for a while before telling them that they have two weeks to get in shape. Janice's hunky trainer comes in and points out the good and the bad about each model's body and, I imagine, gives them some fitness suggestions. Sorin (also known as Sorin/Serene/Daniel) has a lot of pluses, including Little Sorin, who is not so little and actually causes Janice to fan herself. Sorin also causes my mom to say, "Oooh, he has a nice tattoo! And a nice butt." Sorin has a certain effect on the over-fifty crowd. Janice gives Marcus flak about his "jive talk," and once I stop cringing I'll try to describe it to you in proper detail. Hunky Ian from the first episode quits in favor of a job as a financial advisor, and Janice is totally nice about it. She is not so nice, however, to one Miss Teresa Cutie, who first skips out on an appointment with a plastic surgeon (to shave off some of her bulbous nose) and then shows up at Janice's office at some random time to throw attitude about still being homeless. In a display of tough love, Janice calls her a fucking bitch and then dismisses her for good. She feels bad about it afterward, but the trusty hair and makeup team of Duke and Gabe assure her that she made the right decision. She did, too. Teresa has issues. In other news, Janice wants to bad-touch her garbage man.
Previously: Janice held an invitation-only casting call and recruited some more models, and also recruited Mr. Peter Hamm, a.k.a. Peter Pork, as her business partner. The previews for this evening's program promise cruelty, fights, tears, and naked male butts. On with the show!
Janice begins by telling us that with the addition of Peter Pork, her business is finally getting off the ground. She then introduces Peter (who judging by the scene and the outfits is fresh from accepting Janice's offer) to her new assistant Jeff West, who wears a baseball cap so unflattering that I think that maybe he's not gay after all, and her daughter Savannah. Jeff says, "Hi cute," to Savvy, which is better than what he was thinking, which was, "Hi, Brace Face." I'm actually not even sure that Savvy has braces, but something a little funky is going on with her mouth/teeth area. And speaking of juvenile nicknames, my girlfriend's kitten has come down with a case of kitty acne, and for the past few days I have delighted in calling her "Pizza Face." I guess I'm a mean girl at heart. Janice also introduces Peter to Duke and Gabe, her genius hair and makeup team, and Ethan, the recruitment director. When she introduces Peter to Gabe, she actually says, "Peter Gabriel, Peter Gabriel," and for a minute I feared that Janice had actually hired Peter Gabriel to be her sledgehammer. Or, her waxer, who would occasionally serenade her with a customized version of "In Your (Bat Shit Crazy) Eyes."
Ethan, the recruitment director, says that they have some of the models there, and Janice tells him to bring them in. Janice voices over that since Peter agreed to become her business partner she has been dying to introduce him to the models, and notes that it's very important for him to see what they have right now. She says that Peter knows what he needs to make the agency a success from a business perspective, but she knows what she needs to make her agency rock worldwide. The models file in, and Peter starts to look a little nervous. Janice starts to talk about why she decided to go with Peter as a partner, but then says the hell with it and tells Peter to just do his thing.
Peter's thing, it turns out, is to give each model a brutally honest critique. He first meets Crystal. He says that she's beautiful, which is a good sign, and tall and thin. This is not an indicator of things to come. Peter voices over that in their industry, they need to choose models that can do a lot of different kinds of work. He says that you look for problems like a big nose or lazy eye or other features that are just wrong. What about being named after a type of pig meat? And looking like said type of pig meat? Is that a problem? Next, Peter checks out Christopher, who looks like Shaggy Doo. Peter just looks at him and says, "Interesting." Oh, "interesting," the great passive aggressive non-compliment. "Oh wow, your new haircut is so...interesting." Peter then looks at Chris Jones, who was one of Janice's favorites, and says that he'll appeal to a very specific clientele. Chris says that Peter seemed a little callous, and didn't smile the whole time. That's because he didn't want everyone to see the bacon bits in his teeth. Peter takes a look at Marcus (the hip-hop artist) and tells him to take his shirt off and walk. Janice says that she loves him. Peter does not love him. Janice says that Marcus has more personality in his pinky than the country of Namibia. She doesn't really say, "country of Namibia," but I can't hear what she actually does say, so that seemed like an au courant substitute. And speaking of, does anyone find it hilarious that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby shares her name with a Neil Diamond song? The extra "h" at the end is for "Hell yeah, Neil Diamond."