Janice Dickinson is starting her own modeling agency! Well, kind of. She prepares to realize this lifelong dream by getting Botox, hiring blindingly tacky triplets to be her assistants, and advertising an open call on MySpace. I know Oxygen probably has a limited budget, but MySpace? Oy. We are introduced to Duke and Gabe, her hair and makeup team, and Nathan and Savvy, her children for whom she's doing all of this because therapy is really expensive. Five hundred people show up to the open call. Many are forced to go shirtless and/or naked and pose for photos, to the delight of all. Standouts include a woman from Sudan who Janice inexplicably loves; a homeless-esque girl who is improbably named "Theresa Cutie" and who is Janice's kindred spirit and who Janice says needs a nose job; and Amber somebody or other, who is already an established model. Janice uses the word "outhale" and gives a lecture on clean living before throwing out a model wannabe named Pastor Fox who will not drop trousers on account of his Christian values. On Top Model this takes a good half an episode. On The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, it takes approximately twenty-five seconds. Then again, on The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency everything takes approximately twenty-five seconds. Janice, who looks fabulous and is shot through a lens covered with three inches of Vaseline, eventually chooses five of the open call models for a trial run with her agency.
First of all, I must send mad props to my friend Kate, who (a) gets the Oxygen channel; (b) allowed me to come over and watch the premiere of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency; and (c) taped the premiere so that this recap could exist. No props to my cable company, however. What do I have to do to get a timely upgrade to digital cable? Gah.
Also, just so you know (because I didn't), JDMA is a half-hour show. However, the premiere entailed two back-to-back episodes, of which this is the first. The second will have its own recap, which will entail an equal amount of fabulousness that is hopefully worthy of Janice herself.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency's credits begin with...footage of Janice. She is walking towards us in a pink dress and is kind of far away so we still can't see the chewing gum and dental floss that holds her face together. "Do your thing," sings the voice of the JDMA theme, which sounds suspiciously like the "You wanna be on top?" theme of a certain other show which shall not be named. There is Janice walking towards us in a black ensemble with Valley Of The Dolls hair, and then Janice in what looks like a bright pink wound dressing that scarcely covers all of her naughty bits as someone distributes a vat of hairspray on her teased out mane. Or maybe it's formaldehyde to ward off the decomposing process long enough to get through the first episode. More Janice and more Janice, until we get to my favorite Janice, who is wearing a mullet wig and walking a dog and generally looking like she walked off the set of The L Word. And then there is a quick flip-book montage of Janice in several of these outfits while standing in the entrance of an office building and on a cell phone, because she is a serious business woman now! "Do your thing...whatever it is that you do," sings the voice of the credits, and I couldn't imagine a better invocation for the feature reality show debut of one Miss Janice Dickinson.
Some movers bring a big white couch into a nondescript room, and then a big glass table in a shocking pink room, and captions tell us that we're witnessing the "Final Touches on Janice's Agency, Los Angeles, CA." Now, I'm no reality TV editor, but if I have a volatile star who may or may not have thrown 80% of the twelve steps (including, most prominently, "I will not be wasted at all times") out the window, I don't know that I'd begin the premiere episode with furniture footage. Janice herself -- in an interview setting so awash with soft light and Vaseline on the camera lens that Streisand herself was like, "Get me the lighting director and cinematographer from The Prince Of Tides on the phone now!" when she saw it -- tells us that she's starting the Janice Dickinson Agency because it's been a lifelong dream and personal goal to start a business that works. I guess once you achieve the lifelong dream and personal goal to "Fuck a lot of famous guys," you really have to start challenging yourself in different ways. Janice, looking simultaneously gorgeous, elegant, and slutty in the way that only she can pull off, walks in the office and proclaims her excitement for the fact that "it's happening." "It" is apparently not one of her ears finally falling off, as you might expect, but rather the realization of her dream. There are huge pictures of Janice everywhere in the office. She hugs Preston Lee, her interior designer, who really has done a fine job.