And speaking of creepy, we are suddenly at the 7-10 Split rehearsal, where all of the guys are wearing mullet wigs. I want that to be my Rotten Tomatoes review: "All of the guys are wearing mullet wigs. Fresh!" Chris Vanek says in his strange way that it feels really great. For him, the mullet wig might be an improvement, actually. Christian says that this is a big day for his company, because the models are representing them in a movie, and they need to be beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, and rock and roll. He ends, in the way that the French do, with a "No?" And seriously...no. The models are wearing mullet wigs. Brandy says that she's wearing the most expensive clothes she's ever seen, and that she feels like a star. Well, you're not. For some reason, I am rapidly losing patience with this episode.
And here's why: suddenly, Janice is telling us that while the models are doing the Ed Hardy shoot, she's on her way to a signing at Barnes & Noble for her new book, Check Please: Dating, Mating, and Extricating. I've been getting really bad headaches for the past few weeks, and I think it's due to the ADD nature of this show. Or, maybe it's from the time that I smashed my head into the wall really hard. Anyway, Janice tells the gathering crowd that she's Janice F. Dickinson. She interviews that writing, like photography, like being a parent, like being an agent, like snorting coke off of a midget's nature trail, is just something that she loves. As she's signing a book, Janice tells the patrons not to get her signature analyzed, because they'll find out that she's insane. Well, the secret's still safe, I guess.
Janice says that she gets vast amounts of pleasure from writing a story, and that it's a process, just like taking a photograph or making a movie or...writing a recap. Yes, everyone, that's right. Something's been on my heart for a little bit, and after much prayer and much counsel, I feel like this is the right time to tell you that the site is moving in a different direction for its tenth year, and I will not be returning as recapper for Top Model next year. After reading Check Please: Dating, Mating, and Extricating, Wing Chun felt like she had no choice but to offer the job to Janice. I hope you're all happy. ["What can I say? That crazy bitch can really spin a yarn, yo!" -- Wing Chun] And if you're still bitching about that sternly worded forum warning I gave you three years ago, well, just fucking wait. But this has been the most amazing nine years of my personal and professional life. Actually, no it hasn't. Screw you bitches! I'm off to spoon my gay husband.