Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
The Axe Falls

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Au Revoir, Bitches

Previously: Janice decided to start her own modeling agency. This entailed an open call which brought about the first batch of somewhat unpromising models, and then the realization that she needed a business partner. Enter Peter Pork, who actually seemed a little meaner than Janice for a while. But not for long, as Janice enacted her own special brand of berating. Eventually, the agency got some clinets including Lily Holt, 2(x)ist, Elmer Ave, 1-800-Dentist, Ed Hardy, Interscope Records, and Virgin Megastore. As the dream became a "reality" -- and you can interpret "reality" as loosely as you like -- we saw the models go from a group of people who didn't look at all like models to people who looked somewhat like models, but not really.

But the road to a successful agency was not without its bumps. Janice came to fisticuffs with Peter, she jumped in a fountain wearing a couture dress, she berated the staff of Virgin Megastore. And, though the opening montage does not want us to remember, she fell off a chair. Some models excelled and got consistent work, while others, like Sorin, were not so good at taking rejection. And then there was Teresa Cutie, whom Janice told to take a hike.

All this leads to the present, when the agency really needs to start concentrating on making money. The costs are mounting, and Janice and Peter will have to get rid of the dead weight (but not the dead rabbit). And that happens tonight, on the season finale! Huzzah.

We begin with Janice telling Peter and Kodi to bring all of the models in. Poor effing Kodi. I wonder what day on the job it was when he was like, "Shit, man, what have I done?" Janice says that she has been waiting for this moment for the whole of four or five days. When your sense of time and space is as altered as hers is, that is probably the equivalent to the regular human's year and a half, at least. Janice tells us that when the agency lost Frederick's of Hollywood and almost lost Interscope Records as clients because they didn't have the right models, she and Peter decided it was time to make some changes, and also some rearranges.

The models file in. Janice says that she can't sleep or eat, because all she does is stress out. "Stress out" is industry speak for "cocaine." She opens a bottle of water and tells the models that this is her when she's stressed out. When she's relaxed she goes straight for the vodka and Quaaludes. Janice first walks up to Stina. She says that Stina has everything going on, but needs to be able to walk like a model. Janice asks her to walk in front of everyone. Stina does, and Janice tells her to put her shoulders back. Stina interviews that she was scared out of her mind. I think that's an appropriate reaction when one is in close proximity to Janice. Those who aren't frightened at all usually come back without any legs. Janice says that Stina is clumping. Stina starts making some noise about not being able to see and losing a contact and an eye infection and some such nonsense. Janice is not having this. She says that even if she were decapitated, she'd still be able to walk better than that. Even if her head were rolling off of a chopping block, she says, her body would still be a model. This theory is bolstered by the fact that her current head came from Madame Tussaud's. Janice edgily yells to the group that there are no more excuses, and that if they can't perform, they will be dropped. From a fourteenth story window. She is not kidding.

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Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

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