Giving credence to the notion that all the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency does is hold casting calls, Janice holds another open call. This time upwards of nine hundred people show up -- and there are actually some winners in the group. One is a girl who calls herself Stina, who I think is really pretty and who appears to be a huge Janice fan. One is Michelle from Season 4 of America's Next Top Model who is never really introduced and doesn't get to speak and whom you will miss unless you have a very discerning eye or have watched way too much ANTM. One hopeful (not Michelle) is a fierce transsexual who makes all the boys nervous and does nothing to refute the stereotype that all transsexuals wear really heinous bathing suits. And one is a tacky, white-blonde, big-boobed sort from Fargo who causes a bit of a rift between Janice and Peter Pork. Janice wants to ditch her and Peter, true to his name, wants to pork her. At Peter's insistence they end up keeping her, even though Janice continually reminds us that she is not French Vogue. Seriously, this girl is not even Skankland Vogue. But she will probably get some work. Peter makes up for his bad taste with Fargo by "finding" a girl "shopping at the mall" "with her family" in a move that is "not at all staged." She is eighteen and tall and really modelesque, and Janice is happy. The discovered girl, along with Fargo, Stina, and one other female model are booked for the agency's first job: a party for shoe designer Lily Holt that appears to be attended by about six people. The models just have to wear shoes and walk around, basically. It's not French Vogue, but it's money in the bank.
Previously: Peter Pork brought conflict to the agency in the form of The Honest Truth, and caused Janice to play mother hen before she came to her senses and told the Fatty Duke Astins in the bunch to shed some excess pounds but quick. The models were drawn upon and stickered to show their good and bad physical attributes, the highlight of which was Sorin's fine male booty. Original model Ian quit in favor of a job in the real world, while homeless undercover bitch Teresa Cutie quit in favor of "self-respect," a.k.a. the freedom to go on crack binges and not show up to appointments and never make anything of her life. Tonight, there will be more shenanigans! Hooray!
Everybody's magical and beautiful, says The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency 's theme song. Janice's magical ability, I think, is sometimes making her face appear as if it's composed of at least 60% real parts. Neither you nor I can stop Janice from doing whatever it is that she does, bitches!
And before we begin in earnest, I have a confession for you, my dear, forgiving readers. The other night I was driving in my car and flipping around on the radio, and it was kind of late and I had maybe had a drink or two. And I came upon a song that I had never heard before. So I stopped scanning and listened to the song, which was a catchy pop kind of ditty with a dancehall beat, and I was like, "Huh. This song seems pretty stupid, but I sort of like it anyway." But I couldn't figure out who sang the song. Was it Gwen Stefani? No, not quite. Pink? No. For the love of God, Jessica Simpson? Still not right. Oh, for the love of Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, ASHLEE Simpson? No, no, that wasn't it either. So I got home, and was actually curious enough to Google some of the song lyrics to find out who sang it. And then, it happened. "'Stars Are Blind' by Paris Hilton." Paris Fucking Hilton. Fucking Google and its crack accuracy. So what I'm saying, everybody, is not to trust anything I say, or hold any opinions set forth in this recap in any sort of esteem, because I have poor taste and bad judgment. I admit this whole story to you as some sort of penance, so that one day I may stop hating myself.
Janice begins the episode by voicing over that today she's on the way to the agency for another open call. Cut to a shot of Janice in her car looking exactly like Cruella De Vil by way of Men on Film's Antoine Merriweather. She is wearing a tiny pillbox hat with netting covering her face. It's so weird that it's pretty fierce, but you nonetheless have to ask yourself..."Who does that?" She says that they're still looking for models that will make the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency a success. We see interview Janice, who appears a bit less Vaseline lensed, and she is wearing a great giraffe print dress. Her hair is also a little shorter and auburn-colored. It looks good. Janice tells us that in two casting calls she's found sixteen boys and girls (and I'm not even going to try to figure out how we got to that number) who are in the process of transforming themselves so they can set the modeling industry on fire. Literally. You know how Janice likes to play with matches. What do you think happened to Jon Lovitz's eyebrows? Janice says that she's also taken on a business partner, Peter Hamm. And she actually says "ham," like the greasy salty meat, as opposed to "Haaahhhm," which is how she's been pronouncing it thus far. I think this is deliberate to make Peter mad. Janice says that Peter is helping her to transform the business from an idea into a reality. For Janice, the hardest part of partnering has been sharing decisions with someone else. She says that she just has to roll up her sleeves and learn to do this. Her goal is to find models that are ready to work for the agency today. Models who are camera-ready...well there's a novel idea!