Lone Gunmen
Bond, Jimmy Bond

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Frohike knows Kung Fu

We pan down a wall-sized Japanese rice-paper screen, and see an unconscious Japanese man tied to a chair. He slowly comes to, takes in his surroundings, and makes an "oh, shit" face. A shadow appears from behind the rice-paper screen door, then the door slides open to reveal yet another Japanese man. This rice-paper room is full of them. Well, there's two now. Anyway, it's supposed to be scary. They talk in Japanese -- uh doy. The tied-up guy is bewildered; the mobile, slowly circling guy is menacing. Do I have to recap this part? Oh, there're subtitles. Ding dang it. Just move your lips all funny as you read this. Then put your hands in the air and wave 'em all around like you just don't care. Anyway, the tied-up guy is like, "Where am I? I'm supposed to be in Towson, Maryland. Do you know who I am?" And the menacing guy is all like, "You're in Osaka now, and you're the guy I'm about to put out of the whaling business." Then he whips out a big giant knife, and the music kicks in. Wow, whales. I thought we were supposed to save those guys? Oh, right, this is a show about issues, and people caring about them. Three people, in particular. I wonder where they are right at this moment.

A voice -- speaking in Japanese -- booms out from behind the screen, all you're going down, ersatz-Yakuza dude, and then boom, it's Frohike. Then the music really kicks in (I was wrong about before), and they fight, Matrix style. It's pretty funny because Frohike looks like he couldn't even use chopsticks, let alone kick some Japanese guy's ass with the king fu and shit. During this whole fight sequence I was like, say it! Say it! SAY YOU KNOW KUNG FU! But I was not satisfied. So yeah, they fight, Frohike kicks major buttocks, then gets the whaling guy to say where his whaling fleet is hiding out to "stop the gang" from destroying it. As soon as the tied-up dude reveals the locations, we see Byers and Langly hiding with their laptops, giggling. The dude who just got his ass handed to him by Frohike pops up and gives them the thumbs up. Oh, clever boys. Frohike backs off, but somehow, magically, slapstick-ally, the dude has freed himself. Frohike tries to stall, and starts talking in gibberish as the boys behind the curtain frantically try to get him to really communicate with the whaling dude. It must be a faulty lingual-dental implant. The whaling dude stalks up to Frohike and fingers the wires that truly were the Matrix stuff. Then, a rice-paper wall crashes on top of them. The other two gunmen stare at them. Frohike then pops out his lingual retainer (ew!) and says, "Sayonara baby!" Mmm-hmm. Then, run! They all run. How sophisticated, but not as sophisticated as this: Frohike gets jammed up on his wires, and flies back ass-first to knock out the whaling dude. Frohike's ass knows kung fu, dude.

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Lone Gunmen

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