Lone Gunmen
Diagnosis: Jimmy

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Alex Richmond: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Grin and Bear It. (Sorry.)

A recorder breaks the tranquil silence atop the snowy Mount Redoubt, near the Canadian border (shout-out?) in Washington State. What looks like a VW bus-type periscope bursts through the snow, and we go inside the van to see Langly shivering fiercely. On his TV screen, he sees a "whole lotta white," and says that this was a bad place to park the van. Byers says he should have dressed for the weather. Mom, is that you? I hear your voice, but only see Byers. ["I hope he didn't also go outside with wet hair; he'll get pneumonia!" -- Wing Chun] Langly says he has "forty-two" t-shirts on, and one of those had better be a Ramones shirt. I am so sad that Joey Ramone died, I can't even begin to tell you. Frohike -- all in white, out trekking on top of the snow in his snowshoes -- pipes through and says he has the poacher in his sights. Another person, all in white, skis by, oblivious to Frohike's presence. Frohike says the poacher is headed Jimmy's way; Jimmy is stupidly thrilled to be parked (all in black) with a telephoto lens, capturing whatever it is he's supposed to capture. He sees two men "of Asian extraction" cooling their heels, waiting for La Skier. Byers tells Jimmy -- code name "Snowflake" (shouldn't that just be "Flake?") -- to get a photo of the transaction, but La Skier just skis on by the Asian dudes. Our gun-dudes are like, you idiot, but Jimmy (Snow)Flake swears that no one saw him, and that he'll find out what went wrong. He slaps on his goggles, and we have a pratfall to look forward to. Goody. Ski ski ski, race race race, the bad guy in white swerves off and completes a transaction with a guy in black; Jimmy Flake shoots it, then skis right into a tree. Wham. As he lies comatose, the black-clad skier skis over and destroys the film, then splits. The camera spins around Jimmy Flake's head, then pulls up to show his leg looking all kinds of bent. Youch. Medic? Why is a xylophone playing?

Oh say can you see? The credits.

A doctor, who is clearly evil, is shining a light in Jimmy's eyes. Jimmy has amnesia. Isn't it funny that Jimmy ran face-first into a tree, but his face isn't bruised one bit? And isn't amnesia supposed to make people on television behave a little differently? Like, remember on Beverly Hills, 90210 when Kelly got shot and didn't die, but got amnesia, and for about three weeks didn't act like a total fucking bitch? That was almost pleasant. The Totally Evil Doctor invites Jimmy's visitors in, and it's the LGs, with flowers and a heart-shaped box of candy. They forgot the balloons, but whatever. Maybe next visit. They get all exasperated because Jimmy doesn't remember what he saw. So, in the name of exposition...I mean, "bringing Jimmy up to speed," Byers tells it: they're on the case of an "ex-con, survivalist, did time for murder, totally anti-government nut job, who recycles his own urine." Gross! You had us at the first three, okay? Leave anything to do with urine -- saving, storing, or recycling -- way out of it, please. Anyway, the Urinator poaches grizzly bears. Aw! Bears are in danger, but the Urinator kills 'em for their gall bladders. They have to catch him bladder-handed, because it means a lot to Byers. A cute nurse walks in, and the LGs act casual. Or, like they're scared of cute nurses. They split, and the nurse is all, hi, I'm your nurse! Fly me! Coffee, tea, or me? Me nurse, you Jimmy, ungowa. You, amnesia patient, don't have a girlfriend? Yay! Oh, and she has to give Jimmy a shot in the ass, during which she acts completely unprofessional. The xylophone even plays. Then, post-injection, she offers him "anything [he] want[s]...sponge bath?" Jimmy, dense to a fault, asks for "lots and lots of cotton balls."

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Lone Gunmen

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