Lone Gunmen
Eine Kleine Frohike

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Nazi. Geshundheit.

We start out with a well simulated '40s-era newsreel about WWII, and France getting their butts creamed by the Nazis. The narrator, Edmund Reek (nice), does not mock France. The reel, half-grainy faux-stock footage, half computer animation, tells the sordid tale about a master German poisoner who works with the Nazis. A Frohike doppelganger in a Nazi uniform is arrested but swears (and says "schwinehund!") never to reveal the identity of the evil Frau Betty Van Crocker, or Aunt Der Jemima. I'll make more jokes later. Cupcakes are her weapon. Her table is set for death. Her cupboard is empty, except for…okay, I'll give it a rest. Then the newsreel morphs to color, a lady puts a baby in a basket and hands it sadly to a soldier, who rides off with the baby strapped to a bike, Miss Gulch-style. Wonder who the baby is, I really, really do.

Ohhh, say can you see? Three lone gunmen?

Our three gun-dudes are at high deadline. Byers needed Frohike's column ten minutes ago, but Frohike can't do it without the file on the Warren Commission. Where is that dang file? Apparently, sweet Jimmy Bond filed it under "the." This scene gives me hope, because it seems the writers do want to establish character and have shows be character-driven, not just situation driven. These are the better shows. Chris Carter, you do know this, don't you? Listen carefully everyone, you'll be able to hear the steam coming out of his ears. It sounds like the theme to The X-Files. Frohike bitches, but Byers points out that Jimmy "believes in our mission" and besides, "it's his life savings keeping us afloat." And, fucked-up filing is easy to work around. I worked for one of the smartest women I've ever known, and she would file writers we had under "writer," or "features," so it doesn't mean you're dumb, just non-traditionally organized. So then Jimmy comes in, and Byers tries to give him the speech, like, I've been thinking…that's usually enough. Jimmy, quicker to sermonize than Jesse Jackson, talks about how it's been a dream of his to work with guys like the LGs (wow, jocks dream of geeks? Who knew?) and how he feels like he's making a difference, and that the LGs are heroes, and look, his arm hairs are standing up. Frohike is like, OUT! OUT! Jimmy says this is just like Old Yeller when the kid yells at the dog to make him go away, but he doesn't really want the dog to go away, and then happily goes off to answer the doorbell. Langly says what everyone else that's seen Old Yeller is thinking, which I hope is a movie everyone saw as a kid, like King Kong, or Wizard of Oz, or Casablanca, because these are great movies people steal from now, and you owe it to yourself if you consider yourself to be a fan of pop culture to see the shit that really was visionary and meaningful and important, and the thing that happened in Old Yeller is usually devastating and difficult for everyone who sees it, and that thing is the kid has to kill his beloved dog. Shoot him like a…dog. And that, my friends, is rough. Let's hope it doesn't come to that with Jimmy, though Frohike says, "Thanks for the idea." Dude, did Frohike not see Old Yeller? Dude. Get on that.

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Lone Gunmen

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