Lone Gunmen
Like Water for Octane

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Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
Like Water for Octane

Inside the FFD, the guy at the desk wears the snotty/weary look which is, I'm told, de rigeur for government employees. He sneers at Byers -- who, it seems, spends a lot of time requesting stuff that he never gets clearance to see. The obligatory "it's the Freedom of Information Office; why isn't the information free?" comment from Byers. Apparently, one of his requests has finally been honored; Snotty Weary heaves a giant box onto the counter with a bang, and goes back to time-date stamping documents. I don't know why he looks so bleak. When I worked at the front desk of my dormitory at UCLA, I loved time-date stamping items, because the time-date stamper made such a satisfyingly violent thonk. On the other hand, I didn't constantly have to time-date stamp; I also got to read residents' postcards and magazines. And remove meals from the meal cards of people who really, really pissed me off. A word to the wise: don't piss off the people at the front desk of your dormitory. I was one of the nice ones. Anyway, Byers is all shocked by the size of the box.

At the Lone GunPound, Frohike instructs Jimmy Bond in the fine art of document shredding, and forces him to repeat the "new shredder policy," which is, "Paper, si, coffee filters, no." Behind them, Langly is playing some kind of computer game in which he constructs his own medieval civilization and makes himself the king. I'm sure that's an actual game, but unless it's The Sims, I don't know from that sort of thing. ["I'd ask Glark, but I think that describes about forty contemporary games and countless old ones." -- Wing Chun] Apparently, Frohike is unimpressed by Langly's mad gaming skillz, because he makes a crack about Langly's being a king in his little computer world, but still, amazingly, being a "thirty-two-year-old virgin." Because, you know, Frohike's a real sex machine. Yikes, bad mental image. Byers enters with his box, falling all over the place because his spindly arms can't take the weight. He drops the box on the ground with a thunk, as Jimmy Bond comes to his rescue. "You gotta lift with your legs," Jimmy instructs. What's inside the box? ask the Gunmen. Byers: "Vindication." He hypothesizes that it's every file he's ever requested from the FOI office. Let's not even get in to how unrealistic it is that that he waited until he got to the office to open the box. I can't even wait until I get inside my house to open my mail. Byers wistfully comments that "maybe the system does work." But, no, because the box actually contains a large cement block. Langly mutters that he told Byers that the FOI is a complete waste of time. Byers wearily watches as Jimmy Bond takes the box away. "There's something else here," Jimmy says, holding up a piece of paper. Frohike tells him that it's junk destined for the shredder. Jimmy doesn't think it's junk. Frohike is sure it's junk. Jimmy dumbly stares at the piece of paper. "Funny name," he says. "Stan Meiser." He pronounces "Meiser" the way the Copy Guy, that old Rob Schneider character, would. "Meiser" is a fun name to say. We had a TA in the English department named Deborah Meiser, and no one ever called her Deborah; it was always Deborahmeiser, which is much more entertaining, I think. Anyway, Jimmy feeds the paper into the shredder. At the name, though, all the Gunmen look up. "Nooooooooo!" Frohike squeals, and leaps, all slow-motion, to unplug the surge protector into which the shredder is plugged. Not only doesn't he rescue the paper, but he also manages to unplug Langly's computer, ruining all the hard work he put into becoming King of Computeria. Langly makes a disgusted face. ["That reminds me of the time that Glark reformatted my hard drive and lost all my Sims houses. I never played again. During that round of reformatting he also lost my entire library of mp3s, something he managed to do again last month. But I'm not bitter." -- Wing Chun]

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Lone Gunmen




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