Lone Gunmen
Planet Of The Frohikes: A Short History Of My Demeaning Captivity

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Planet Of The Frohikes: A Short History Of My Demeaning Captivity

The Lone Gun-Bunker. Yves is still steaming mad. Yeah, yeah, don't get your leather thong all in a wad. So, finally they tell her about the email they got, in text and voice file form. It's the chimp who, using Edward Woodward's voice, tells the Gun-Dudes that he's captive, "a slave" held in a lab by people in the D.O.D., and there are others like him. He's heard of their work and tireless fight for democracy, too. Uh-huh. Wow, a chimp never kissed my ass before. I must not be a very good writer. Or maybe my work just doesn't speak to captive, highly intelligent monkeys. No, I know that can't be true. So, Yves is all, that's Edward Woodward, and Jimmy is like, the guy from The Equalizer is being held captive? So sick am I of the Jimmy-is-stupid thing, I take a long break from recapping and watch the vampire movie-fest on FX. Hours later, I am back. Sigh. So, Yves is all like, someone is yanking you, and through thoughtful hacking, the LGs have found out the email did come from behind a D.O.D. firewall, and that they're going to go up with a crowbar, as requested, to help free "Peanuts." That's the "slave name" the chimp was given. Yves is coming along, because, "[they] owe [her]." And that makes sense how? Oh, never mind.

We're back in (Alex) Richmond, Mass., with the ferrety lab-coat guy, who's spelling out his name with little-kid magnets of the alphabet: Doctor Hasslip. Hass-lip. Now, it's the assembled chimps' turn. He calls on Peanuts and spells it out on the board. Peanuts looks impassive, and Hasslip says he's on to him. A paramilitary grunt busts in and asks for a word with Hasslip. Hasslip leaves and Peanuts runs to the board and starts rearranging the letters. Hee, chimps are funny.

Out in the hall, the grunt informs Hasslip of the email Peanuts sent using Hasslip's password. The grunt knows Hasslip didn't send it, but they don't know who did. They're keeping an eye out, though. Okay. Dr. Hasslip goes back to his class o' chimps and sees that the board now says "Doctor Asslips." Nice one.

Outside the Boulle Behavioral Lab, the LGs, Yves, and Jimmy are in stakeout mode. When a man emerges from the building into a caged-in area, they wonder if it's Peanuts, until Frohike dismisses that idea saying he "looks like a waiter from T.G.I. Friday's." Perhaps, but a waiter severely lacking in pieces of flair. Then, the chimps pile out. I guess this is their outdoor playtime. This is their yard. And the LGs are to bust out Peanuts. After some dithering, Jimmy finally decides that the chimp hanging out by the gate waving at them is in fact Peanuts, and trots off to use the bolt-cutters. He snips, waves Peanuts out, but in a leap of misadventure, Peanuts vaults over Jimmy and knocks him down, bashing his head on a rock. Jimmy's out cold. Yay! So, military grunts give chase, the LGs and Yves get away, and Frohike is pissed that they left a man behind. But what's this? Peanuts is riding with them in the van. Score! They traded up!

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Lone Gunmen




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