Lone Gunmen
Planet Of The Frohikes: A Short History Of My Demeaning Captivity

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Planet Of The Frohikes: A Short History Of My Demeaning Captivity

The LGs, Yves, and Peanuts are stowing away in a nearby barn, hiding out from the cop cars speeding by. Frohike wonders if Jimmy was right, and even if Yves knew about this from the start, if the name "Boulle Behavioral Lab" rang her cash bells. Oh boy. She's like, ask the chimp. So they try and talk to the chimp and guess what? Chimps can't talk.

Jimmy's being interrogated by the paramilitary grunts. He says he's with the Monkey Liberation Army, or the MLA. Heh. "Be they chimps or gorillas or the ones with weird noses and shiny red butts, we'll be there!" Who's we, says the grunt. And how do you know what's going on here, asks Dr. Asslips. Whoops. Jimmy's in over his thick head.

Back in the barn, the LGs try to set up all their equipment without taking any of the cues Peanuts is sending, like, let me use a laptop. Frohike sets him out of the way, but Peanuts pinches his keys and tries to escape in their van. Good thing Yves disconnected the battery. She says, "Peanuts, I presume," and hands him a laptop. Using Linux, he downloads voice software and Edward Woodward is in the house. "Please stop addressing me in my slave name!" He prefers to be called Simon White-Thatch Potentloins. Oy. Finally, Yves is all like, "I've heard whispers of this for years," and then Byers catches on, reasoning that if the government could breed equally intelligent dogs or cats or birds, "imagine what spies they could be!" Yves says not just spies: assassins. But, while you can breed a smart animal, "you can't be sure of his politics." True.

Jimmy's in the chimp schoolroom now, being shown firsthand that the chimps aren't abused or mistreated. Yeah, that would happen. So Jimmy still thinks it's sad, and mentions Peanut's name, and Dr. Asslips is like, how could you know his name? Oh my god, he sent an EMAIL using your ACCOUNT, Dr. Asslips. Don't you have an IT person checking the server? Finally, Asslips gets it, and tries to play Jimmy with the whole, "it would be bad for America if Peanuts got in the wrong hands," and you love your country, don't you? You do want to Do the Right Thing, don't you Jimmy?

Back in the high-tech barn, Byers is like, "This is important! People need to know what their government is up to!" Peanuts is like, why should I care? I'm not American or even human: I'm a chimp, dude. Wow, Peanuts played the LGs, sucking up to their sense of duty! Ha ha! Langly is like, yeah, he's British, and Peanuts is like, I am NOT, I just prefer the voice. Hee. Yves says Peanuts owes them. Peanuts says he can trade with them; he knows a Russian chimp, "already in the field," working as an assassin, "a free agent. His name is Bobo. He knows no mercy." The guitar chord of What the Fuck? plays, and we go to commercial.

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Lone Gunmen




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