Lone Gunmen
The Cap'n Toby Show

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Cap'n Toby Show

Cap'n Toby show. Byers and Langly are watching in the Possibly Evil Producer Gillnitz's office. A little thread of saliva runs out of Langly's mouth. What goes "moo"? asks the Cap'n. A cow! says the audience of kids. What goes "neigh"? A recapper for MBTV? No. A horsie! As the Cap'n talks about farm animals, their cute little pictures pop onto the porthole, which is, as you remember, the Only Original Element left from the Original Cap'n Toby Show. Then the porthole says, "Bye bye," and the show ends. The producer begins to toot his own horn, boasting about the ratings rising in the last three years to a .8 to a 1.1. Wow, .3 whole points. That's .1 a year! And, he toots that the show was sold into foreign syndication. Wait, let me guess. To China? Right? Am I right? I am. Frohike pops in and the LGs exit to have a powwow. They rehash: why would a spy be working on a children's TV show? If the show were being broadcast in China, it'd be "a conduit for information." Wait, wait, the audience is fumbling over the word "conduit"! Can you spell it out for us? Byers actually says, with a straight face, "It's like Jimmy looking for hidden messages in The Wizard of Id, only this time it's real." Oh. My. God. This show was so cancelled for a reason. Langly says he knew it was Gillnitz, and Frohike says, "Except it isn't," and produces the document in Chinese. Langly is like, "Look at him -- there's no way he would sell out America!" Langly. I thought you already grew up. Snap out of it. Then, the blonde swarms the set with a horde of FBI agents and produces warrants. They're searching the joint. Byers pockets the document Frohike found. Yves and Jimmy enter sheepishly. Then, seconds later, the blonde comes out with microfilm she found in the Cap'n's dressing room. Langly makes an "et tu, Cap'n Toby?" face. Aw.

A TV within your TV tells the news story of the Cap'n being arrested and led away in his costume. His wife -- a naturalized citizen, but Chinese -- bangs on the door of the cop car, crying. It's a sad scene. The LGs and Yves watch stoically. Langly goes on a giant guilt trip for helping his childhood hero to get arrested. He still believes that the Cap'n is innocent. Yves says that the document Frohike lifted is "a recipe for pot stickers -- with quite too much ginger for my taste." A girl who wears catsuits 24-7 with the exception of a pink Members Only Jacket is talking about taste? Yves is dressed like a Pink Lady. She dresses like Olivia Newton-John in the final scene of Grease most of the time. And now she's complaining about a little ginger? Not logical. Then Frohike says he didn't see any microfilm in the Cap'n's dressing room. Jimmy screws up his face and really, really carefully says that maybe the blonde lady planted the stuff, and that she's the traitor. Wow, ya think? Now they have to prove it. Nineteen minutes left. Go.

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