Lone Gunmen
The Cap'n Toby Show

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | 1 USERS: A+
The Cap'n Toby Show

Gillnitz's office. He's got a glass of scotch. Good idea. Clarence the Crab is there, too. Gillnitz says he isn't surprised, since "children's television doesn't pay worth a damn anyway." The crab-puppet-operator says the Capn' and his wife are his friends and he won't say anything against them. Gillnitz calls him "the Calvin Coolidge of second bananas." The puppet guy takes a drink and Clarence the Crab says, "Bite me, you hack." I really love that puppet. Then Gillnitz looks at the porthole that says "bye bye," and he gets a clue.

Gillnitz calls the blonde lady over, and says the porthole is the only thing on the set with which he has nothing to do. She shoots him with a teeny tiny dart and he dies. Wow, I did not see that one coming.

Tom Poston walks on the set, out of his Cap'n suit. The stage door opens, and the crab puppet guy emerges through a ton of clamoring reporters. The puppet guy's name is Wayne. The Cap'n needs Wayne's help to put on a show: "The last show."

The audience is made up of all the reporters. Is this logical? Does it matter? No -- what matters is if the audience cares. And I? Do not. The LGs and Yves stroll on the set (Langly with his Ramones shirt blazing, thank you) and wonder where the hell Gillnitz is. Yves sees a Koko's Copy receipt in a trashcan and asks Jimmy where he saw the blonde. "In Koko's Copy shop," he says. "She saw me and left." Then they split.

The show begins. The reporters fire off hard questions, and the Cap'n shushes them. Ahoy little mateys!

Koko's. Yves picks up the order for the Cap'n Toby show, just like that. They print art for every show. It's a picture of a teddy bear. The blonde pops her rose-colored glasses over their shoulders and says, "Try these." Yves puts the glasses on (so much for her "taste") and Chinese characters are visible. Now yell, "Zoicks!" run away, and at the end of the show I'll give all of you Scooby snacks. The blonde points her dart-shooters at them and tells them to come quietly. Why doesn't she just kill them? Oh, right -- they have to get away because the show is cancelled. What? Oh, forget it, we're almost done here.

The last Cap'n Toby show. He's talking to the crab puppet. Shh! I wanna hear! The crab says he ran into a dolphin that says France is better than America. Whatever! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! The Cap'n speechifies that home is better than anywhere else, and that this home -- America -- was founded on the best idea ever: that "people ought to be free." Nice qualifier there: "Ought." That's like when Michelob beer says they use the "choicest ingredients available" to make their shitty beer. Anyway, the reporters are rapt. Frohike pokes around and says that there's something stuck in the rafters. Langly watches the Cap'n and pops a boner as he says America rules, because people can live as they wish and marry whom they wish. Except for some people, ahem. He goes on: "Sometimes it doesn't work like it's supposed to," and word to that, "but the idea is great, and we should all work to keep it that way." And not sell it out to the commies, right? Then Frohike trips the rope that was holding up the corpse of Gillnitz. It drops down, the reporters gasp, horrified, and the Cap'n dryly says, "Not the reaction I was hoping for."

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