Lone Gunmen
Three Men And A Smoking Diaper

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It's the Babies, Stupid

Hey, there's a TV inside my TV, showing me the fictitious Senator Richard Jefferson hot on the campaign trail, surrounded by cheering, balloon-bouncing supporters and a reporter wearing a brown Mr. Rogers-esque sweater in Richmond, VA. Richmond? Shout-out? Could be. Probably not, though. Then the video shot segues into a behind-the-scenes control panel montage. It takes a lot of news vans and equipment to do a live outdoor shot. I wonder whether we're supposed to take note of that fact. Back at the rah-rah trail, Mr. Rogers asks the Senator about the recent mysterious auto accident and death of one of his campaign workers, Barbara Bonabo. The Senator, a filibustering hambone, says that he's deeply saddened by the tragedy. The camera pans by two of the Senator's evil-looking aides -- who may as well be wearing devil horns and holding pitchforks, so evilly pleased are they by his empty patter -- and then we see Byers, placidly bouncing a silver balloon. Via radio, Frohike tells him to hold his position. Mr. Rogers, prompted by his team of producers in the nearby news van to "stop with the fluff," says that Senator Hambone's opponent claims he's trying to bury the facts of the accident, and about the Senator's real relationship with Miss Bonabo. The evil aides grind their teeth and seethe and smolder. Senator Filibuster says that his opponent is trying to gain politically from this tragedy. The aides exhale and look evilly pleased, again. Then Mr. Rogers says, "Cut the crap -- wasn't Miss Bonabo's accident your way of keeping her quiet about your torrid little affair?" Dude! Offsides! But very much appreciated! The mike feeds back, the crowd boos disgruntledly, and the producers in the news van sputter, "Who told him to say that?" Who, indeed. The Senator recovers from his shock and says "that's a bizarre bit of phraseology..." and I instantly flash to that Technicolor wonder and stage play, The Music Man, in which the phrase "You watch your phraseology!" is used, and is also funny as hell.

Cut to the Lone Gunvan (tm Jessica), with Langly inside wearing his sweet smirk and a mike, asking, "Isn't it true you and Miss Bonabo used to play hide the salami?" Oh, those loose, lone gun-cannons. Mr. Rogers parrots what Langly just said, and Senator Salami-Hider drawls that he hopes his "momma isn't listening to this." The real producers in the real news van are flabbergasted, and when Mr. Rogers busts out with "Senator Skirtchaser," the crowd rumbles in a rage and the feedback screeches a new, more persistent whine. Frohike tells Byers to continue to hold his position, Byers continues to bobble his balloon, and then the real producer sees Byers on the monitor and somehow figures out that he's the one hijacking the transmission. I am so sure. Real Producer storms out of his van, and Jimmy -- who is so not hiding out stealthily --says "torpedo in the water!" Byers lets go his balloon and falls on top of the Evil Female Aide, who snarls, "Get off me." As the Real Producer sweeps by Jimmy, Jimmy mutters, "Byers has been spotted," and the Real Producer spots Jimmy. Could Real Producer be any more observant? And, you know, more of a control freak? He's more interested in the mechanics of his broadcast than he is in the real story. A woman is dead, for god's sake, and he just wants to know who's speaking into the ear of his stupid anchorman. I mean, duh, it's the Lone Gunmen, we all get it, this structure has been used in almost every episode. How fucked up is it that what's being said matters less than finding out who's saying it? ["Aw, you real journalists are so cute. Hee!" -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Jimmy gets busted, and then, seconds later, the Real Producer pulls open the door of the Lone Gunvan just in time to hear Langly say, "Come on, Senator! How many bimbos do you have to ice to bury the truth, being that you buried more pipe than Exxon in Alaska?" He then turns around to see the Real Producer and two men in blue standing there. Busted. Sigh.

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Lone Gunmen




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