Lone Gunmen
Three Men And A Smoking Diaper

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It's the Babies, Stupid

Okay, Frohike and Langly don't literally waltz into the cheesiest "Medical Center" since the "Urgent Family Care" center on Beverly Hills, 90210, but they just stroll on in. No one's behind the desk, no one's waiting to see the doctor. They try to go in to get the Bonabo file, get busted by a Nurse Ratched type, and riff that Frohike has "terrible, explosive gas." Then, the doctor will see Frohike. Just like that. No forms -- no names even; just kaboom. Let the fake farting begin. It's pretty gross. It's Frohike using a hot water bottle. Finally the Nurse Ratched-type storms in, yells, "What in heaven's name!" and Langly gets to steal the file. Hack! Hack like the wind! He gets the info just in time to see Frohike wheeled off to get some kind of fartectomy.

Lights up on the "Question Authority" sticker on the Lone Gunvan. Inside, Byers is painting Jimmy's hand with forensic adhesive and suiting him up with an earpiece and body mike. Jimmy's to go inside, shake hands with everyone on the Senator's campaign team, and get the prints that will match the person who left the prescription number on their windshield. Who wants to bet that Jimmy will screw this up somehow?

Jimmy strides in and says into his body mike, "Jimmy Bond...in the house." Everybody make some noise! I can't hear you! He goes up to the Evil Female Aide and officially offers himself up as a volunteer, presenting his hand for a good ol' shake, and she sends him off to lick envelopes. Jimmy, of course, is thrilled to be a part of the dream and all. He then makes a huge mess using Elmer's Glue -- what adult has glue on his desk? It's all very slapstick-y. Campaign stuff gets stuck everywhere. Then, he heads into the bathroom and into a stall, and who comes in next? The Evil Aides, Male and Female. Jimmy eavesdrops and peers over the stall, as they, oblivious to his presence, blab that the "babysitter is gone," and she "couldn't live with herself if anything happens to him," and "we are going to hell for this," and something about "the Senator's dead girlfriend," and "in three days, the senator could impregnate the entire female voting population." Then, they leave. Jimmy looks confused. Hello, Byers, did you get that?

Langly and Frohike break, or rather walk, into a fancy apartment, where Barbara Bonabo used to live -- a.k.a, "the senator's love-nest." A hard-boiled voice tells them to put 'em up, and they know the routine. They obey. More clichéd noir dialogue follows, and they put their hands down and go see what the hell is going on. A Ronco infomercial and finally a great galloping wacky cartoon score follow as Langly and Frohike walk up to see a baby -- aww! -- munching on the remote. A baby! Gooweegeeweegee woo!

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Lone Gunmen




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