Lost

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Someone named Emily is giving birth. In the woods. In a turtleneck. I'm not sure which is more uncomfortable. She says something is wrong, but her husband, Roger, puts on a stern face and tells her she can do it. She keeps saying it hurts, but after some inefficient pushing, almost giving up hope, and then finding the strength deep inside to push her child into the world, she gives birth to a baby boy. She keeps saying it hurts, and Roger holds up a bloody hand as proof of impending doom. Roger instructs Emily to hold on to the baby because no one knows they are out there and they have to get back. He scoops up Emily and the baby and runs to the really crowded road that is extremely close by but apparently unsuitable for emergency deliveries and/or seeking help. As Roger flags down a red convertible, a sign looms in the background indicating that Portland is 32 miles away. Which means that Ben and I were born in the same place! I knew we had more in common than our stature and sunny dispositions! Samantha Mathis and some bespectacled dude hop out of the red convertible to rescue the woebegone family. As they prepare to put Emily in the back seat (showing a serious disregard for the wellbeing of the lux leather interior) the guy asks what happened. Roger explains that they came out to go hiking (in turtlenecks!) and she went into labor even though she wasn't due for a whole month! You took your eight months pregnant wife hiking? Sadist. Emily opens her eyes and tells Roger to name the baby Benjamin. And then she died. Just for the record, Baby Benjamin does not appear to be bug-eyed or inherently evil.

Grown-up Ben is playing with a dolly. Mr. Eyeliner, a.k.a. Richard, enters Ben's tent (that is not a euphemism), smirks, and asks what he has there. Ben says it's a birthday present. His birthday is today. And he has decided to be an ass for the occasion! Ben asks Mr. Eyeliner if he remembers birthdays. Instead of shouting, "Shut up, Stinkfinger!" Mr. Eyeliner wisely ignores the remark and asks Ben if he wants him to deliver the tape to Juliet or what? Ben whips off his glasses in order to hear better, but he heard correctly: the tape recorder is missing. Further investigation is warranted, so they rush out of the tent looking for Tom. They find Tom standing outside, staring and slack-jawed as Locke arrives in camp awkwardly lugging his dead father's body. Locke huffs and puffs that Ben told him he would tell him everything he wanted to know about the Island if he killed his father. He drops his father's body on Ben's newly useable foot and announces that he killed his father, so Ben better start dishing.

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Lost

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