The Mountain

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: D+ | Grade It Now!
Thar She Blows!

"Conditions are about to get nasty." Hee. With that tagline, I can only think they didn't know that TWoP was going to recap this show. I'd laugh and laugh, except that the joke is ultimately on me. Seriously? It sucks ass. I mean, with this premise, you sort of expect the writing to be ridiculous, but the acting is also almost uniformly horrible, even among the relative stalwarts, and that's much rarer. What I'm saying is, if you're going to watch this show, get with the ortgeist and buy a keg or at least a beer ball, because trust me, you're going to need it.

We open with a shot of snow-covered mountains. Snow swirling. Snow settling. Tinkly piano. A tree in the foreground starts to twitch. It's shivering uncontrollably at the thought of this show lasting more than three episodes. No, sorry, that's me. ["I just went on the forums, and I don't think you have anything to worry about." -- Wing Chun] The cause of the shaking is, in fact, an avalanche, which hurtles photogenically toward us until it covers the camera's POV. Sort of a new take on "fade to white."

We next see the front page of an edition of some paper called the Standard-Examiner, which I guess is so standard that they don't even bother to qualify it with a geographical location. The headline reads "Avalanche Claims Life Of David Carver," as the disembodied voice of Oliver Hudson starts telling us that when his grandfather died, each of the members of his family wondered how it would affect them. Well, nice to meet you too. Oh, before I forget, we never find out exactly how this avalanche caused David Carver's death. Was he skiing? Snowboarding? Engaged in a tryst with a ski instructor half his age? It's mentioned that he was supposed to meet his granddaughter at some place called the "lookout," and she flaked, but we never get any other information, such as whether anyone else was killed or injured in this disaster, so nice job, writers. We see the grandson in question, who's on...a dirt bike. Well, if he's wearing a helmet all the time, I guess that goes a long way to explain why his hair is so greasy. Like most WASPs, I know a little bit about skiing, but I know absolutely nothing about biking, so I hope this isn't going to be a big part of the show. Of course, I hoped stupid plotlines in general wouldn't be a big part of the show, so maybe I should prepare myself for a lot of...wheelies? Do they still do those? Anyway, we see him executing some jump off a ramp, but then we cut back to him looking all pensive, and it isn't clear whether he's remembering it or merely picturing himself doing it. But there's no time to dwell on that, since we have to focus on a character we haven't even met yet! Crappy alt-rock (Blink-182?) plays as some blonde girl in a white ski suit snowboards. She sits down on the slope and pulls up her goggles to reveal that she's crying. Or maybe her goggles are broken and the wind was really strong. There, there, unnamed girl! Your grandpa will buy you some new goggles if you just ask...oh, wait. Maybe it was the first thing.

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The Mountain




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