The Mountain
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Thar She Blows!

We fade into the unsexiest sex scene ever. David and Max are kissing horribly out of sync. It looks like they're recycling kissing footage within the scene. At one point, her hair gets caught in both their mouths. While that might happen in real life, it doesn't exactly make for viewers' getting the vapors. At times, the action weirdly speeds up to double time. I just don't even know. Max never takes off her top. Is that a bustier? I don't know from women's undergarments. One thing I do know from my straight male friends, however, is that straight guys like them the bare tit, so, like everything on this show, it's horribly unrealistic, but it's network TV, so whatever. Anyway, despite the fact that they barely moved during the whole weird scene, when we drop back to real time, David is positively panting as he tells Max he really, really really likes her. I'm thinking dirt biking doesn't get you in the greatest aerobic shape. Not that even the best athlete couldn't be panting after great sex, but...well, you know. She asks if she's ever going to see him again. He gives a boring speech about how he's always been running away from this place instead of accepting what he is. She takes that to mean he's staying, but, in a weird reversal, he's all, "Of course not!" and says he has a race in Denver the next day. He goes to take a shower. I can't even...okay. From his point of view, he's blowing off this girl who likes him in the most cavalier way possible, so as I said before, he's just a total ass. And, we later find out that she in fact wants him to go, but she didn't try to influence him in that direction at all, so what the hell was she doing, besides getting fucked in what looked like a really unsatisfying way. Gah. This show can blow me. Max gets a satisfied smile on her face and sinks back down onto the bed as David sings "Bust A Move" from the shower. No, really. No, really.

Travis (remember him? Me neither) comes to see "Barbara Hershey." He sort of might be hitting on her, but she's like, "Oh, please," which was kind of funny. She asks him who set up the meeting between David and the Dowlings, and he smarmily cops to it. She asks if he thinks selling would be a good idea. He notes that they're out of capital (thanks for throwing away thirty grand, David!) and needles that the elder David wasn't exactly a "detail man." Yeah, he forgot the "detail" of firing your smarmy ass. Boring exposition ensues about how he couldn't speak English when he first arrived (and that's the accent you ended up with?) and was "almost" a son to the elder David, despite the fact that he looks about the same age as the grandkids. "Barbara Hershey" speculates that he must have been pissed off to have been left out of the will, and wonders whether he might be happier if the Dowlings bought Boundary. Travis says nothing, bless him, and leaves. "Barbara Hershey" sits down in a chair that makes it look like she recently picked up a bottle that said "DRINK ME" and followed the direction.

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The Mountain

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