The Mountain
Pilot

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Couch Baron: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Thar She Blows!

Will's getting dressed when David totally barges in on him without knocking. I know they're brothers, but still. David says that he's getting out of there, since he's got a race on Sunday. (If the sign from earlier was right, it's now Friday.) Will makes another dumb joke about the new owner, like, STOP IT ALREADY. David asks Will how he would feel about doing all the work while David owned the place. What an awesome deal! Seriously, you guys? David is kind of a total heel. And? They're going to a dressy affair, and he still needs to wash his hair. Will doesn't trip over himself to agree, which is even less surprising than it would normally be, considering that David gave away $30,000 in gross receipts in the space of two minutes. David plays the "well, then I have to sell, so you can't hate me" card, but Will isn't having that, either. David calls Boundary "just a big rock," which causes Will to start screaming at the top of his lungs about how he WORKED! For the FAMILY! Dude, there's a reason cars don't go from first to fifth gear at once. It's screechy. More calmly, Will says that David blew off Will and the family, and now he wants to talk about a relationship? "David, we don't have a relationship." Hey, does this remind anyone of another show, where the free-spirited brother returned home, pissing off the dutiful brother who'd stayed and worked hard at the family business? But you know what? That show didn't start going downhill until Season 4. But here, you can get all the suckitude you want, straight from the very beginning! How thoughtful! Thanks, Shaun Cassidy! David looks chastened, or he would if Oliver Hudson were a better actor. Anyway, they're interrupted by Sam's voice calling up to them from downstairs. He's there to pick up Shelley. She ain't there. But wait, I thought she was downstairs too! Oh, I get it. She's down-STAIRS.

Party. People look way too sober. Down-STAIRS, Zack's on top of Shelley. They're fully clothed, but Zack seeks to rectify that by going for the pants. Long story short, we're saved from an acute case of date rape by the brothers' arriving and pulling Zack off her. Sam swaddles Shelley in a blanket and says he's going to take her to the car, but he's back in the scene two seconds later. Zack snarls that the Carvers think they own everything. He didn't seem to mind that Shelley owns a pretty nice rack just a minute ago, but things change on TV pretty quickly. Anyway, some goons appear down-STAIRS, which is just a stable, by the way. I'm sure not putting this scene out on the lawn this Christmas. Even if Oliver Hudson is sporting the Jesus look that even Jeremy Sisto gave up a while ago. A brawl ensues, with Will totally throwing the first punch, for the legal-minded among you.

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The Mountain

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