Oh my God. Seriously. How did I draw this year's Tru Calling? I mean, One Tree Hill is a fucking masterpiece compared to this absolute, total schlock. Okay. David and Max have apparently been having crappy sex for a week. He gets in a fight and gets arrested, and when he gets out, Max confesses that she's a Dowling but claims to really like him. He's pissed, but that doesn't matter; they have to get back to Boundary, because David was supposed to be there days ago, but he was too busy fucking a girl who'd throw over her family for crappy sex. The editing in this episode looks like it was done by a pair of scissors on speed, by the way. Anyway, David misses this big meeting for a loan at the bank, although I can't really blame him so much for that, since, unless I was totally in an alcohol-induced hallucination, the meeting was on a fucking Sunday.I mean, GOD. Anyway, David saves the day with an absolute bullshit speech about the employees of the mountain that caused arteries in my head to commit hara-kiri. Also, Maria is a total ho, the Dowling men are even more mwa-ha-ha than before, Shelley and "Barbara Hershey" butt heads, and Sam, while still kind of adorable, is barely in the episode. In the end, the two most likable characters are Shelley (oy) and Max (no, seriously.) But, like everything on this show, that's not saying much. Oh, and something "dramatic" happened at the end, but I have no idea what. I don't know if I can make it through the recap, folks. I may take my laptop into the bathtub. Nice knowing you.
Previously: This show sucked fucking ass. And then Sars canceled it off the site. Sars, friend, update your wish list. I hear PowerBooks are pretty sweet.
Carver house. Maria is listening to music on her laptop while Will works on his. Yeah, two laptops in the same room spells big financial crisis. Man, I'm a second in and I already want to die. Maria and Will give each other looks, and Maria, horribly embarrassingly, starts to dance stripper-like on the bed. She takes off her shirt partway, and is apparently jealous of Will's laptop, because she takes its place. God, this is bad porn. Ron Jeremy couldn't even get it up for this scene. Horrible dialogue ensues about what "some people" do on Saturday nights, and apparently Will's had to reschedule a meeting at the bank for the next day because David didn't come back from Denver when he was supposed to. Well, if the snow melts, maybe they can ski on the mounds and mounds of bullshit they're slinging here. First off, Will is still the CEO, and if the CEO isn't a signatory for the company, I don't know who is, so Will doesn't need David's greasy-haired presence for this meeting. Secondly, the bank is fucking closed on a Sunday, so regardless of whether they have the meeting or not, the loan can't be processed, so there's really no reason for Will not to be fucking his girlfriend at the moment. I mean, it's not my thing, but they're both attractive, at least, and neither of them is Oliver fucking Hudson. Thanks to Demian for pointing out on the forums that Hudson looks like the love child of Michael Douglas, by the way. And by thanks, I mean "thanks," because that's a thought to give me night sweats for the rest of my life. Anyway, Will thinks he should call David, but Maria, who so obviously is still hot for David's chili, counsels Will to trust that David will be there, instead of taking his track record of never, ever showing up for anything at face value. If you watch the show next week thinking it might be good, you're sort of following the same logic. Anyway, we don't get to see Will shirtless, because we have to cut to...
...fucking greasy-haired Oliver Hudson on his stupid bike. He jumps over some cars as Max wets her pants on the sidelines. She rushes over and hands him a bunch of money, saying he earned it. So she, his now-girlfriend, was the neutral party holding the money for this bet? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO. Some guy who looks like Dawson Leery on PCP challenges David to another bet, but David smarmily declines, as he has to get back to Boundary. He and Max start to leave, but Psycho Dawson grabs Max. David: "You didn't just lay your hands on a woman?" You know what's worse than that line? The editing in the fight scene to come. Seriously, I cannot even believe this show made it to air. It's so, so, so bad. It's offensively bad. I know a lot of talented people busting their asses to make it in this industry, and the other show I recap is really good but is struggling to find ratings, and here this dreadful, one-eighth-assed show makes it to TV. Uch. Anyway, there are two huge editing gaffes: We see David standing there, then Psycho Dawson is all with the "bring it on" gesture, but when David punches him, some dude is already holding David back. Then, David and Psycho Dawson throw each other into a wall, but when Psycho Dawson punches David a second later, their positions are reversed. Just awful, and I caught those without slow-forwarding. Anyway, as a police car pulls up, Psycho Dawson knocks David out. We'll be sending out save-the-date notices for our commitment ceremony soon.