The Mountain

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: D | Grade It Now!

Some Patagonia employee tells Will that a reporter called, saying something about David being arrested. SAG cards for everyone!

Will calls David, confirms he was in jail, and tells him to get his ass back for the meeting. Maria hears Max talking, and asks whom he's with. Jeez, honey, if you want him that bad, go do him already. If you wait for November sweeps, you'll miss your chance, if you take my meaning. When they hang up, Max asks, "Who's Maria?" Fun. But at least she has a right to ask, since she's the present girlfriend, not the high-school one. Especially since it looks like Oliver Hudson went to high school about thirty years ago.

Shelley tells Sam (aw) about "Barbara Hershey" getting rid of the grandfather's stuff. Sam points out that her grandfather was a "pack rat," and that's one of the very few things that's rung true on this show. WASPs keep everything. Shelley says he even kept the tins every time he ate a can of sardines. That sounds World War II-era to me, which might be a little off timewise, but I can't even complain about it, considering this show can't even direct a fight scene that doesn't look like it belongs in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka. Sam invites Shelley to go to "the barn," as "Donny's brother" found an old car at the dump that he's going to set on fire. Shelley says sure, as she needs to do something normal. If by "normal," you mean "white trash." And by "need," you mean "don't need." And by "you," you mean CANCELED!

David babbles that this past week with Max was the best of his life, and complains that his family hasn't left the state to see him "compete." Oh, stop your snivelling, you self-centered, moronic fount of entitlement. Maybe your family's ashamed that you can't even WASH YOUR HAIR. Max firmly says she came to be with David, and Boundary was already a dead issue. From his point of view, that could be true, although her family certainly didn't think so. He asks how people knew he was in jail, and she admits she told Travis. He infers that she used to sleep with him, and says that Travis has slept with "the whole Pacific Northwest. There are salmon he has sired." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Max doesn't know either, as she gets out of the car and stalks away. David follows her onto a bridge and tries to grab the keys, and of course the keys go flying into the river, which looks about three inches deep, so I don't know what the big deal is. Also, that scene was begging for a Keystone Kops joke, but they can't make me make one, because (1) the Keystone Kops never did anything to me, and (2) CANCELED!

The barn. Idiot kids destroy a car that frankly doesn't look in that bad shape. I guess the producers were mad that the manufacturer wouldn't pay the product-placement fee. (Product-placement fee! On this show! I really am funny!) Shelley makes a big show of throwing some glass at the car, which doesn't even scratch the paint. You're about as edgy as Hillary Duff, there, dear. The idiot kids light the car on fire. Everyone moronically watches it until Sam has the thought to ask if "Donny" drained the gas out of the car. Moronic staring for another eternity, then everyone runs and the car blows up. Sam thinks it was cool, but Shelley's crying, because underneath her tough exterior that throws glass at old cars, there's a little girl who loves fugly-assed sweaters. Or something. Shelley hugs Sam and says how much she misses her grandpa, which might be touching if we'd seen any more of him than that ridiculous video will. They kiss for a little bit, initiated by her, but he didn't exactly have far to go to get on board. She apologizes. Girl, you just made his month. Teenage boys are so easy to please.

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The Mountain




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