I'm really sorry to have to tell you this, but Sara M is in a little bit of a coma, so I'm doing the recaps this week and next. It's my fault, really: I told her I would give her twenty bucks for a bareknuckle cage fight with a hobo, and he felled her in the first ten seconds with a mighty uppercut. I really thought she had a good chance, because I've seen her in similar situations before and she can fight like a motherfucker, but you know the homeless: they fight dirty. So while we're in alt-world I will be your recapper. We wish her a Merry Chrismukkah and a swift recovery.
Kirsten comes into the kitchen and catches Ryan in a moment of leisure, so she goes all Dursley about how he dare take five seconds for himself when Seth's Chrismukkah obsession is on the line, and he pleads a coffee break, per union rules. She reminds him of how they all live under Seth's emo thumb and that if he doesn't get his rooftop reindeer he's going to send them all out into the cornfield like on Twilight Zone, then segues hamfistedly into asking if he's inviting "anybody" for dinner, meaning Taylor Townsend. He notes that this is hardly a subtle way of inquiring into their relationship status, and Kirsten jumps to the obvious truth that asking a girl to a family dinner on Christmas is tantamount to pitching troth. Which it is. "It's Chrismukkah! We make our own rules," Kirsten grins, and Ryan gets a little sassy with her, but gives in. The doorbell rings and Kirsten wigs about how it's got to be her "ham guy," and runs off, leaving Ryan alone in the kitchen, where he finds a Bartlebied letter from Marissa Cooper.
I loved Marissa Cooper, honestly. She was my favorite character on the show and I'm not even going to try to justify that. Just loved her. But you know who I love more than Marissa? Julie and Kaitlin, who are packing up for what Kaitlin calls "Christmas in the ghetto." Julie corrects her: they're actually going to Riverside, which is only tangential to the ghetto, and reminds us viewers that that's where their family is from. Ew. "I thought we were in denial about that?" says Kaitlin, and then they share a look as Taylor approaches, caroling through the house. She comes in carrying a big wrapped gift, which Kaitlin half-assumes is for her; she half-apologizes for not getting Taylor anything. It's actually a Foreman grill for Ryan -- because "he likes lean meat, obviously" -- about which weird sexual innuendo she grins her usual weird grin. Julie: "Lovely." She invites Taylor to Riverside, noting that Summer's spending the holiday at the Cohens', and then dimly remembers that Taylor has a family of her own. Nobody ever remembers that!