The O.C.
The Goodbye Girl

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Not By The Hair Of My Chinny Chin Chinplant

We open at The Big House, where Seth is grilling Ryan about what kind of kiss he shared with Theresa. And I know they're good friends and all -- brotherly, in fact -- but Seth's interest is still a bit icky. Ryan agrees, and is typically taciturn in his response: "I don't know. A kiss. My lips. Theresa's lips. A kiss." Seth mocks that lips are interesting, but what's more interesting is tongue. Ryan asks if Seth really wants to know, and he says he doesn't, but that he is looking for what "level of kiss" they're talking about: a Christina/Madonna peck? A Britney/Madonna smooch? A "full-on, like, a, like a [sic] Al and Tipper Gore lip lock?" And as disturbing as Seth's fascination with Ryan's sex life may be, it's nothing compared to the fact that the kid has obviously spent some time thinking about Gore mackage. Throughout this conversation, Seth stalks Ryan through various rooms of The Big House, up a flight of steps, through the courtyard, and into the pool house, all while babbling a stream of questions regarding whether Theresa and Ryan are now a couple, and whether she's staying in Newport, and where she'll live, and how she'll stay regular -- whether she prefers dried apricots or prune juice, specifically -- and how she likes her meat cooked, and whether she prefers purple or pink, and whether her middle toe bigger than her second toe (would that be called the "pointer toe"?), and what her credit is like, and is she talking about a lease of a year or month-to-month or maybe she's looking to buy? Ryan contests that there is no lease, which doesn't deter Seth, who has a different set of questions prepared for this very development: is Theresa going back to Chino, and will Ryan commute back and forth, and in what car? He asks, "How you gonna pay for gas? How you gonna do that? What freeway? Is your freeway of choice? You gonna take the 55 to the 5, or you gonna take the 91 to the 71? If you're gonna take the 71 --" Ryan interjects, "Whoa. Just. Just. Whoa," to which Seth is all, "Okay, I'll just whoa."

But then Seth totally doesn't "just whoa" at all; instead, he insists that Ryan and Theresa need to have a plan, because they kissed and -- because this show suddenly takes place in seventeen-century Puritan New England -- it's a big deal. She's ruined! Twitchy Ryan insists that he'll make an honest woman out of Theresa and marry her so that she does not have to live with the shame of premarital kissing and walk around with a giant blue (because everything is blue in Newport) letter "K" on her chest for "Kisser." (And if we're really overthinking this, is it no small coincidence that "Theresa" and "Hester" share nearly all the same letters? I think I smell an O.C. doctoral thesis.) Ryan insists that Seth's making it a big deal, and that he doesn't even know when he'll see her again. Seeing as how this is television and all, such a comment ensures that he will actually see her again right this very moment. She enters as Seth announces that they were just discussing her plan, to which she's all, "What plan?" and Seth's all, "Yeah. Exactly." Theresa tells them she had the morning off and thought they might need a ride to school. Seth and Ryan awkwardly act like they're glad she came by, but their acting becomes even less convincing when Marissa appears, having had the same idea. She greets Theresa, "Didn't think you'd be...." Her voice trails off, but Seth eagerly finishes the sentiment: "Staying? Yeah, well." Awkwardness ensues as Seth debates their various potential riding options as both girls mumble their embarrassment. When Theresa suggests that it makes more sense if Marissa takes them to school, Marissa snaps, "Why? Because we go to the same school or because I live here?" Or how about this one: because you're a witch and your broom seats three? As Ryan visibly chokes down the nastiness, Seth repeats his suggestion for how they should travel, and Marissa looks abashed. As well she should. I thought she was champion of the helpless? Only if there's a penis and/or penthouse involved, I guess. The girls simultaneously mutter that they should have called, and then leave. Ryan half-heartedly chases after them, as Seth concludes that it looks like they're hitchhiking. I've never noticed the number of floral things that bedeck the pool house before, but I guess Ryan is overcompensating for Chino's complete lack of vegetation except for weeds and brussels sprouts.

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The O.C.

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