The O.C.
The Heartbreak

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Bangs And Banging

It's now officially Valentine's Day, and Kirsten's wardrobe has progressed from the pre-Valentine's Day pink to full-on red. Sandy enters, delivering the goofiest (and most wonderful) "hello" ever captured on film. He eats lox out of tinfoil, and asks how long Kirsten is going to be angry with him. She whines that he ruined her favorite holiday, so until it's over, they have nothing to talk about. Seth enters, asking if Sandy is busy, because he needs to talk to him. Sandy asks what's going on, and Seth explains that it's "girl stuff." Sandy proudly announces, "Well, you've come to the master," as Kirsten snickers beside him. When Sandy points out that he got her, Kirsten rebuts that she was "young, impressionable, and drunk." Seth's all, "Hey! Only child. Right here." The doorbell interrupts, and Kirsten heads off to get it because she needs some fresh air, leaving Sandy and Seth alone. Seth mumbles that he never thought he'd have to say it, but that he thinks he and Sandy need to have "the talk." He lowers his voice to a whisper at the "the talk" part. An alarmed Sandy asks, "Now?" and Seth's all, "It's gonna be as hard for me as it is for you," instead of the better response: "Yesterday would have been better."

Kirsten, meanwhile, greets Jimmy at the door. He wishes her a happy Valentine's Day, handing over a plate of the mystery cookies. I don't get the sense that he's on a fishing expedition to find out who sent them, so that's just a rude regifting, particularly since it involves anonymously prepared food. Kirsten admires the cookies; she tells him that they're called "Forgotten Kisses," and that Hailey used to make them. Jimmy grunts his surprise at this revelation, and asks how Hailey's doing; has Kirsten heard from her? Kirsten hasn't, and she doesn't expect to, because Hailey left angry and could be anywhere by now. Jimmy presses for more information, and Kirsten reveals that once they thought Hailey was in London, but that it turned out she was right there in the harbor on her friend's boat the whole time. Jimmy's all, "Boat, huh?"

We rejoin the father-son conversation after Seth has already broken the news. If either one of them ever wants to have another decent meal, perhaps they should have picked a location for this talk other than the dining-room table. Seth sits hunched up in his chair; he visibly recoils as Sandy mumbles about whether Seth used protection. Is "condom" that hard to say? It's just two basic syllables, after all. Say it with me, now. All together. Condom! Seth gasps and covers his ears; he can't believe Sandy just asked him that! Sandy apologizes, and then congratulates Seth for doing so, because if he's going to have sex, he has to be responsible! Seth's all, "Yes. Responsible. And awkward." Sandy says that's to be expected; he thinks Seth was lucky to hang in there "after all that foreplay," to which Seth's all, "Forewhat now?" Sandy looks amazed and repeats "foreplay" to the still blank-faced Seth. I'm sorry, but I find it completely inconceivable that this is a word of which Seth has never once heard. Sandy awkwardly continues, "Massaging, you know? Or, uh, nibbling...the neck." He stops his manic hand-signaling to explain the point: that even if Seth is "ready to go," it doesn't mean his partner is. Seth reveals that he's always ready to go, and Sandy responds, "Well, you're my son! We Cohens are very sexual beings! Virile! Get used to it!" Hee. Seth groans over this disgustingness and covers his eyes. He recovers to ask more about the foreplay, and Sandy tells him "the appetizer is as good as the main course." Seth mumbles that he "just swallowed a little bit of throw-up." He offers to forget that they ever had this conversation, and then thanks Sandy and rises from the table. Sandy asks if Seth minds telling him whom he slept with: "I mean, you got so many girls these days." Hee. He guesses Summer, and confirms from Seth's reaction that it's true. Sandy's all, "Oh, you dog, you!"

At the Valentine's Day Gala set-up, Luke asks Ryan how things are going with Marissa; is she coming to the party? When Ryan says he doesn't know, Luke's all, "What about her mom?" Hee. Ryan says he has no idea, and Luke claims that he's just trying to get a head count for the event. Luke leaves awkwardly, and Ryan nearly takes a crateful of glasses to the head. The crate is lowered to reveal Theresa is holding it, and the two express surprise to see each other. I didn't notice this last time, but Theresa looks just like Marissa would if she dyed her hair black and made a couple of trips to Mystic Tan. She's like the ethnic Precious Moments figure. It's uncanny. Ryan asks if she works there now, and Theresa explains that she figured there was no better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than to "serve pâté to a bunch of rich people." Ryan doesn't react to this statement, but Theresa apologizes anyway for insulting his friends and neighbors. Ryan says it's good to see her. Awkwardness.

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