The O.C.
The Last Waltz

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Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
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The Vast Schmaltz

How convenient of Newport Union and Harbor to hold dances on the same exact night so that we could get a side-by-side comparison to expose public school's shortcomings. The poor people listen to urban beats and comment on how awesome it is that the school actually shelled out for three streamers this year. The public-school gang of four walk in, and Dennis heads off to the punch bowl with a flask, because it's 1973 and this public school can't afford to pay enough chaperones to guard the punch bowl. Marissa takes a look around and assumes that everyone has nothing better to do than whisper about her. She's right about Heather, at least, who takes aim at her from across the gym with a finger gun. You know, if Heather really were as bad-ass as she thinks she is, she wouldn't even be at the school dance.

Marissa runs out of the gym. FakeRyan, FakeSummer, and FakeSeth follow her out, because who doesn't want a new friend with Issues, right? They console her, and Johnny says that "public-school kids -- all kids, really -- they're like dogs. They smell fear." It's easier to smell fear in public school, where they don't have those gold-plated air fresheners. Dennis says that, also like dogs, kids like frisbees. Shut up, Dennis. Shut up, Johnny. Shut up, Casey, even though you didn't say anything. They tell Marissa to go back in the gym and just act like no one is looking at her, and the public-school kids will move onto their next victim.

Seth and Summer head into their school dance, which is so totally better than the public school one that it's not even funny. No, really, it's not funny. This show is boring the shit out of me. Seth tells Summer that her dance is "incredible," and that it's like she brought the beach and the ocean into Harbor. He calls Summer a "human tsunami." Too soon, Seth. Too soon. Taylor Townsend comes to the mic and introduces herself by first and last name, because a small school like Harbor where everyone supposedly knows everyone else's business needs such information. Taylor Townsend then proceeds to take credit for all of Summer's hard work -- ha! -- and calls Dean Evil to the stage, without whose help this dance never could have happened. Summer wants blood. Seth holds her back. "This really is the End of Summer," Taylor Townsend says as she looks directly at Summer. Seth has to admit that Summer "set herself up" for that one. By having parents who named her after a season, I guess.

Over at the Seedy Motel, 7 'n 7 and Flower Delivery Man are very upset that their master plan to spend thirty thousand dollars on rich-people rehab and find a mark to swindle millions of dollars out of didn't work. Guess you should've made more than one friend there, 7 'n 7, and like, not made your only friend the day before you checked out. Idiot. 7 'n 7 says she will "find a way" to "use" Kirsten, and the pair makes out. Looks like 7 'n 7 isn't a les 'n bian after all. She's still evil, though. What'd it take, four episodes for us to see what her diabolical plan was? And for all that build-up, it didn't even work.

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The O.C.

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