The O.C.
The Lonely Hearts Club

Episode Report Card
Djb: B | Grade It Now!
The Maddest Lib
Opening credits: No such passion was ever sung about "Utah." Poor Utah.

Kirsten's maaaaaaaaaaaad. She wears a mad face and stares into mad space in whatever direction that ensures her vision, peripheral or otherwise, does not come into contact with the existence of Sandy Cohen. Unfortunately, staring into the camera means that she sees Kim Delaney's name when it fades up on screen, though I guess the blow is softened ever so slightly by the fact that she at least sees it in reverse. Sandy walks into the bedroom and closes the door, pausing for prayer and then launching in, "I think I know what this is about. And I can explain." Kirsten rolls her eyes elaborately, which makes Barry Newman's backwards name flip around in a neat little circle (from her view, anyway), and she turns to face him in her…oh my GOD, would you look at the size of that bathrobe. Now I love Kirsten, y'all. She's absolutely my favorite character on the show, and there's usually precious little make fun of, especially when the fashion victimhood is often co-opted by THE HAT. But this Venus Fly Robe looks like what happens to tablecloths when rich white ladies try and do housework. THEY ATTACK. Anyway, the otherwise lovely and radiant Kirsten turns to her emotionally cuckolding husband and tells him, "You lied to me, Sandy." She tells him she knows Rebecca is alive, even though he told her that she was, wait, what's that other thing that she isn't? Oh, right: dead. Sandy tries defense number one: that he thought she was dead when he first told her that. This argument failing to hold water, he moves on to defense number two: that telling Kirsten she was alive could make her an accessory to the crime. Kirsten rails, "Don't try to get off on a technicality," barely avoiding getting accidentally cast as the next pretty female D.A. on Law & Order on account of barely leaving off the word "counselor!" ["And of not being a lesbian." -- Sars] Instead, she reminds him, "This is about our marriage. You and I come first." He tells her he did what he thought he had to do, adding, "She's innocent." Kirsten, a Greek chorus of sorts for the audience at large, doesn't care at all. Sandy says that she is his client, and Kirsten again calls him on his bullshit, reminding him, "You were in love with her. Don't pretend this isn't complicated for you." He agrees that it is with raised eyebrows (causing a whoooosh! of air that rushes through the room on the heels of a thousand other eyebrow jokes I'm always just barely stopping myself from making, because, c'mon already), and then begs Kirsten not to fight with him. He hits the "auto pilot" button on The Random O.C. Plot Generator machine (they just leave that thing lying around in the bedroom?) and reminds her, "Tomorrow's Valentine's Day." She storms out of the room. Sandy's just excited because he knows that his Valentine's Day gift is watching girls kiss girls.

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The O.C.




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