The O.C.
The Lonely Hearts Club

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Djb: B | Grade It Now!
The Maddest Lib
Flanked by his two daughters, Caleb-thuselah rides in a wheelchair through the lobby of O.C. General without so much as throwing his hands in the air and yelling, "Wheeee!" So much for having a new lease on life. He wonders why he's being "humiliated" in a wheelchair, and Kirsten tells him he can lose the chair when he gets home. When she's rewarded with a late-night call with a frail voice yelling something about "falling" and "can't get up," she is sincerely going to regret giving a very senior citizen that particular line of advice. Lindsay hands him a bag and tells him it's a "care package," and I literally cannot believe that Caleb exercises restraint enough not to immediately rage, "Well, I certainly hope it's the severed head of that useless boyfriend of yours, who sucks the blood out of one daughter and sucks who-knows-what from the other, who FROTH FROTH AGAIN AGAIN." There. Now I write for The O.C. Suck it, McG. Aaaaaaanyway, what he does say is, "How thoughtful." But what he means is actually everything that I've already written above. In the bag is a Mad Libs, which Kirsten notes were "her favorite" when she was young. Well, Kirsten…for you:
A Day At The O.C.
One day, [NAME OF SHOW IN ROOM] premiered on [ANIMAL-NAMED NETWORK] and was the [FOOD-ORIENTED NOUN] of Hollywood. Since that triumphant beginning, however, things have gone [DIRECTION] in both ratings and writing for the show. Now, deep in Season [NUMBER HIGHER THAN ONE], Seth has forgotten how to be [ADJECTIVE], Ryan displays no hint of his former [NOUN], and Caleb is quite unfairly still [WORD MEANING "NOT DEAD"]. Please, Mc[LETTER], for the love of [NAME OF DEITY WHO WATCHES OVER ALL, UNLESS YOU'RE A GODLESS PAGAN, IN WHICH CASE BURN IN HELL, YOU GODLESS PAGAN], fix this or I'm changing the channel and watching [SHOW THAT ISN'T JOEY…IS THAT CRAP STILL EVEN ON?] instead. Much love, [NORTH AMERICAN COUNTRY, PLURAL].

Clip and save.

They exit the hospital, Caleb recapping that Julie is still traveling in Europe, which means he's got the big old house all to himself. Kirsten asks what's become of Marissa, and Caleb actually smiles (it's a sardonic smile, but it doesn't keep it from being terrifying) and responds that Marissa is too busy "running around with that tattooed new friend of hers." When did Marissa start hanging out with the Chili Peppers? Lindsay takes this as a cue to doormat herself at her father's feet, which…honestly, why? She says that if he's looking for company, she knows Ryan wants to stop by for a visit. Yeah, Linds. It's a square peg in a round hole. Stop trying to force that shit in. Caleb says he's seen enough of Ryan, but she's not gonna let it go that easily. Kirsten sends Lindsay off to find "the chauffeur" (who is that, Sandy in a hat? He's usually shepherding the old man around), and waits until they're alone to tell him, "You and Lindsay seem to be making strides." He responds that he regrets coming into her life so late, and Kirsten tells him he can make it up to her by -- wait for it -- making things right with Ryan. Lindsay comes back and Caleb asks, "Lindsay, can three people play Mad Libs? Yes, but it's a giant clusterfuck, especially if one of them wants the noun to be "fart," like, every time. Which Caleb totally would. ["You say that like it's a bad thing." -- HoP] He suggests that Ryan come over, noting, "I understand he's quite handy with an adverb." Like "nonsensically." Which would go well here for a thousand different reasons, because what did that mean at all?

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The O.C.




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