Cohen Household. Morning. The birds sing. The flowers bloom. Blah blah blah. Ryan pours a bowl of corn flakes. Did he use that bowl to cut his hair? Because he's working some new bangs and they're not really doing it for me. Maybe if he took off his shirt I would feel better. The phone rings just as he's digging into his breakfast, and he takes a big old bite before answering. It's Seth on the other end, all whispering. Seth? Sweetpea? Your parents can't hear you through the line. That's the magic of the phone, really. Well, that, and being able to communicate with people who are entirely other locations. "If you're alone, cough twice," Seth rasps. "I'm alone," Ryan deadpans at full volume, and wonders where, exactly, Seth is. Seth switches back to his normal speaking voice and explains that, last night? When he said he was going to bed? He wasn't exactly lying, but nor was it exactly his own bed. The camera pulls back, to reveal that he's in Alex's Apartment of Legal Teen Emancipation. Alex walks out of the bathroom, pulling her t-shirt down over her bra. Well, this isn't going to end well. And I must admit that I preferred it when Seth had more...you know, social problems. He was more interesting (read: "hot") as the dorky, quirky outcast than he is as the kid who's banging the hot chick who works at the local all-ages bar and has her own apartment. Anyway. Alex waves a textbook around and wonders if Seth is interested in sticking around for some "home-schooling." Is she home-schooling herself? How plucky, yet illegal. On the other end of the line, Ryan explains that both Sandy and Kirsten are awake, and Seth asks Ryan to cover for him. "Yeah, let me think about that....no," Ryan responds. Seth -- being tickled by Alex, and I'd just like to mention that I don't think tickling is a legally recognized home-school class -- manages to make a valiant attempt to change Ryan's mind by pointing out that the Cohen parentals don't want to think about their baby boy spending the night "with a lady." "You know how fragile they are in the mornings," Seth squeaks. "Okay? Thank you."
Cut to the Cohen Marital Bedroom. Sandy puts on his tie, and I need take this moment to put out a plea to the hair people on this show: every man who steps into your trailer needs a haircut. Please. I'm not saying they all need buzz cuts, but the floppy flyaway '70s look doesn't work on everyone and it certainly does not work on Peter Gallagher. Don't make his bangs compete with his brows, people! A man can only have so much hair around his eyeballs! So, Kirsten slides up behind Sandy and starts manhandling his...er, man-handle, I presume, or something man-handle-adjacent, and Sandy looks pleased and surprised. "Top of the morning to you too," he chuckles. Kirsten cozies up around his neck. "Happy anniversary," she coos. The Eyebrows fall. Oh, SANDY. You are not the sort of man who would forget your wedding anniversary! No, no! I will not hear of this. Sandy Cohen is a wonderful husband. This I believe now and forever. La la la la! "Yeaaaaaaah, happy anniversary to you as wellllll," Sandy breathes, like, good cover, dude. He then confidently announces that he loves Kirsten now more than he did nineteen years ago. Kirsten backs up a bit, and corrects him: it's their twentieth anniversary. Sandy sputters something about the newlywed year not counting, but Kirsten is irked and getting irkeder. "Who forgets their twentieth wedding anniversary?" Sandy stammers. "Apparently you," Kirsten says, icily. Sandy digs himself in deeper by saying that if he thought this was only their nineteenth anniversary, he would not have planned a celebration only worthy of their twentieth. "You planned something," Kirsten eyebrows. "Yeah. It's gonna be awesome," Sandy assures her, then announces that he's got to get out of there immediately.