Kirsten and Sandy show up at the Yacht Club for dinner with the Spitzes. Mrs. Spitz, of course, is everything that is wrong with society rolled into one person. She gets off the phone with a friend of hers who's having problems with a guy she's dating. "The guy's wife's all like, 'uh, I'll kill you!'" Mrs. Spitz reports. Wow, that sounds awesome. Can we watch that? Or at least an earthquake? Mrs. Spitz says she was "born and bred" in Newport. Kirsten shoots a pointed "I told you so" look at Sandy like he was the one who insisted on staying in Newport and raising a son there.
Taylor pours the hell of out of some wine despite Ryan's protests that he doesn't need that much. Taylor is all nervous and practically throws the plate of dinner in Ryan's lap. Ryan says he wants to talk to Taylor, but she insists on waiting until after dinner for the serious conversation. Then she forces more wine on him.
Mrs. Spitz is a Delta Delta Delta and still goes to her sorority's rush. I'll bet they all make fun of the old lady who keeps hanging out with the college kids, too. Mrs. Spitz says that she got really wasted last year and felt sick the next day. She was afraid she was losing her boozing abilities, but it was just morning sickness, much to her relief. Oh COME ON! Now she's gone from a shallow asshole to sort of evil! And then Mrs. Spitz invites Kirsten and Sandy out for tequila shots, saying that Kirsten's refusal to drink while pregnant is "lame." Are Fetal Alcohol Syndrome babies trendy in Newport or something? This had better be leading up to an earthquake that kills Mrs. Spitz off in a most humorous fashion. Mr. Spitz is embarrassed, and one wonders why he wanted his friend to meet his awful wife or even stays married to her. Kirsten says she's an alcoholic, expecting that statement to be met with the gravity it deserves. Instead, Mrs. Spitz winks and says she is, too. She invites Kirsten out with her after she has "that thing," a.k.a. her baby, even though Kirsten clearly hates her. Mrs. Spitz doesn't know how to read a room. I guess having only two dimensions will does that to a person. A baby cries at a nearby table and Mrs. Spitz orders it to be taken outside. She tells the Cohens not to "freak" as the baby is actually hers. A nanny takes the baby outside and hopefully to the nearest reputable adoption agency. Sandy and Kirsten take the hell off.
And Taylor is wasted. Ryan isn't, claiming that the Atwood genes make him able to "withstand massive qualities of alcohol." Odd, I thought Atwood genes made one slug helpless people when given massive amounts of alcohol. Ryan drags Taylor into her bed and tucks her in. Taylor stupidly reveals that she tried to get Ryan drunk so he'd say he loved her. Then she passes out. Or just pretends to, hoping that Ryan will say he loves her, thinking she's asleep. Even totally wasted, Taylor's plotting. Ryan sees right through the act, though, and then tells Taylor he loves her. And if he can say that when she's totally wasted and annoying then you know he means it. "Now we can go to Berkeley together!" Taylor cheers. She tells Ryan all about how she applied to and got into Berkeley and then she passes out for reals. Ryan feels understandably overwhelmed.