The O.C.
The Third Wheel

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Oliver Twist(ed)

Much as we do at the start of every episode, we pan over coastal scenery to The Big House. A strange, yawn-like noise punctuates the boppy soundtrack tune. The yawn may or may not be coming out of Hailey, who is headphoned and rocking out at the kitchen table. She's reading the paper, eating a bagel, and drinking orange juice. All of this will become relevant later. There is also the usual lemon/lime centerpiece, which will have no relevance. Ever. Sandy enters the kitchen, and proceeds to make a big, stinking fuss over locating a bagel. He looks in the breadbasket, around the breadbasket, and under the breadbasket; he picks the breadbasket up, turns it over, and shakes it. Nope! No bagels there! Ryan enters the kitchen, patting the chest of an exasperated, bagel-less, Sandy on his way past. Ryan removes a carton of orange juice from the fridge, looks momentarily perplexed, and then pours a drop into his glass before realizing that it's empty. He turns his angry gaze across the kitchen to Hailey, who is obliviously drinking from her full, Cohen-size glass. Next it's Seth's turn; he shuffles through the newspaper, unable to find the section he's looking for. When he notices Hailey reading "Arts & Leisure," he throws the paper down in frustration. There's nothing left, apparently, for Kirsten to be pissy about, so they repeat the bagel shtick with her. As they all stare at her back, Hailey rocks on, completely unaware.

The Cohens tromp out into the hallway, where Sandy whines that Hailey's eating the Cohens out of house and home! When Kirsten tries to placate him by saying that it's just a bagel, Sandy's all, "No! No! No! It's never just a bagel!" As a "lifelong shut-in," Seth asserts that Hailey never leaves the house, and Ryan suggests that it's because all her friends want to kick her ass. When he apologizes for the bad language, Sandy yelps, "Why? I'd like to kick her ass!" Seth nods emphatically in agreement, and no one nods emphatically in agreement like Adam Brody does. Hailey yells into the hallway that they're out of coffee; can Kirsten make more? And not the harvest blend, either, but the good French roast? Sandy makes a series of emphatic "no" gestures toward Kirsten, but she heads to Hailey's aid anyway, promising to talk to her. Sandy concludes, "I guess I'll have to survive on English muffins."

Seth trails Ryan into the pool house, pretending to look for Marissa because, he jokes, she's always there. Ryan's not amused, so Seth continues that with Hailey always in the living room and Marissa always in the pool house, he's been lost; he laments, "What happened to Seth-Ryan time? That was quality time." There's some debate over whether Ryan is whipped, before he offers to fit Seth in right now. Seth faux-commends him on the gesture before accepting. He explains that he and Anna have "decided to take it to the next level." With a delivery which would, I think, perfectly befit this character -- neither excitement nor condemnation -- Ryan deduces, "You're gonna have sex," to which Seth is all, "No, but that's a good idea, though." He reveals that he and Anna are going to tell Summer about their relationship, because as much as he fears Summer hurting him "what with the rage blackouts and all," he's more scared of hurting her feelings, because they're friends now. Marissa suddenly jumps out from behind the floor lamp where she's been hiding by turning sideways, and lopes across the room. As she attaches herself to Ryan's neck like some sort of short-skirt-wearing barnacle, Seth Xanders that they were just talking about "guy stuff. You know, hunting, and shaving and shoes. Uh, the cleats? For the...sports?" Marissa hurries the boys off to school, but not before Seth makes Ryan promise to finish their conversation after school. As Ryan turns back to fetch something, Seth's all, "Uh. You forgot your balls." (Speaking of balls, whatever happened to Ryan's soccer career?) As Marissa drags Ryan bodily from the room, Seth makes a whip-cracking gesture, accompanied by a startlingly realistic whip-cracking sound.

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The O.C.

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