The O.C.
The Ties That Bind

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The Honeymoon Is Over

Inside, Kirsten walks down the hallway, stalked by Sandy, who is interrogating her about her conversation with Theresa. He accuses Kirsten of talking her into having the baby, and Kirsten wonders whether she should just have let Theresa make a completely uninformed decision. Sandy points out that Ryan and Theresa are two kids with nothing; how can they start a family? He asks if she knows what Ryan is going through right now and she evasively responds, "Not as well as I know what she's going through." Sandy gets all up in Kirsten's face to ask what that means, and she backs out of the confession, insisting that it means nothing except that Theresa is alone, can't talk to her mother, and is scared and confused; all Kirsten did was listen. Sandy is obviously not convinced that Kirsten's disclosure is "nothing," but the conversation is halted as Ryan enters the kitchen. Responsible fathers brush their hair while forgoing product, so that's what he's done. It's not really an improvement. The boy just needs a new haircut or something. Kirsten hurries to offer him breakfast, but he's just on his way through to check on Theresa. In his wake, Kirsten segues the conversation to Caleb; she asks whether Sandy has talked to him lately, because he hasn't seemed himself. Sandy says he wouldn't want to be Caleb, either -- about to be bound by law to Lady Heather. Kirsten doesn't want to be reminded -- "Denial is a very effective coping mechanism" -- and we focus on Sandy, whose wheels are turning about whether Kirsten could be in denial about other things, as well.

Ryan joins Theresa in the pool house, where she is packing up her clothes and wearing a tie-back maternity shirt. When he determines that she's leaving, Theresa admits that she told her mother everything and is going back to Chino; she should have left the night before, after seeing the aforementioned vomit face. Ryan insists that Theresa doesn't have to leave, and that they can figure it out together. She urges him to come with her then, and his silence is answer enough.

Marissa, Hailey and Jimmy -- continuing his pattern of showing up in the most inappropriate of places -- carry boxes into The Palace. They comment on its castle-like appearance, and Jimmy suggests that the torture chamber must be in the basement. Lady Heather clickety-clacks into the room, reprimanding Jimmy for showing up, since Caleb is due back any minute, and thanks to Jimmy he'll have a black eye in his wedding photos. It's amazing how frequently I find myself agreeing with Lady Heather. Jimmy makes some snide comment about the "black lump of coal where [Caleb's] heart should be." Lump-of-coal-for-a-heart jokes are so 1957. Lady Heather asks why Jimmy can't just be happy for her, since she's happy for herself. Even she sounds surprised to admit it. Hailey snipes that Lady Heather can't be happy, which makes her happy. Lady Heather gasps, and then commends Jimmy on his "classy choice." She thinks it's obvious, though, that he's only with Hailey because he can't be with Kirsten, which in psychology is called "transference." Jimmy counters that in psychology, what Lady Heather is doing is called "shameless gold-digging." Lady Heather contends that Hailey is out for the same thing where Caleb is concerned, and Hailey's all, "Do not make me --" Lady Heather's all, "-- go back to life as a stripper or coke whore?" leading Jimmy to ask in disbelief whether Lady Heather has forgotten about the '80s. Hee. Lady Heather so wore shoulder pads and a vial of coke around her neck, which she snorted out of her really, really long red nails. She points out that at least she's not a criminal, to which he responds, "At least I'm not marrying one." Except being a criminal is worse than marrying a criminal as far as I'm concerned; not to mention the fact Lady Heather was previously married to a criminal who kept his criminal past from her and who is now criticizing her for marrying another criminal. So being married to a criminal is fine, apparently; it's just which criminal that's the issue. Marissa storms into the room, throws a box down onto the ground, and yells for them to stop because Lady Heather is getting everything she wants, including Marissa moving in with her. A confused Lady Heather says she thought Marissa wanted that too, and Hailey and Jimmy look back and forth and back and forth between mother and daughter like it's a tennis match.

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The O.C.

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