The O.C.
The Way We Were

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Big Zach Attack

Props to Jessica, props to Pamie, apologies to Wing, and a hearty hissing sound expressing discontent, leveled in the direction of TiVo. TiVo? Why you gotta be a hatah?

Previously on The O.C.: The Adventures Of Atwood And Atrophy continue unabated. Meanwhile, my grandmother thinks she gets this show because she's the only person on the planet who still refers to pants as "chinos."

An extra-wide shot of pearl blue water and white sandy beaches reminds us just how much we're in -- ahem -- Califoooooooooooooonyeeeah! We cut inside to a tight shot of a comic book called "Plastic Man" being dropped into a sleeve made of, conveniently, plastic, an indication that even the most cut-rate of superheroes can hold places of relevance in today's modern world. Plastic Man protects his very own comic from the constant threats of his arch-nemeses, Fingerprint Man and The Snotnose Kids, who hang around comic book conventions trying to lower the street value of dork memorabilia. Back in Califoooooooooooooonyeeeah, we join Seth "Not Quite A Girl, Not Yet My Boyfriend" Cohen, looking pretty in pink in his hipster button-down, wearing a color that would only be a clearer sign that he's open to anything were it accessorized with a rainbow flag bandanna and a consistent though barely perceptible rendition of "In The Navy" playing wherever he went. I mean it, Brody. Read my lips. Anything.

"We can not go," Seth offers to an as-yet-unseen presence in the pool house. "We can't not go," rejoins Ryan "Goy Toy" Atwood, who busies himself unpacking his Chino suitcase of food stamps and scabies. Seth awkwardly navigates his rich-kid car down the craggy mountain cliff that is Exposition Boulevard, reminding Ryan that they've already "missed registration" and that no one will be expecting them. When Ryan dutifully reminds Seth that Kirsten has placed a call to the school, Seth helpfully removes the plastic dust jacket from his copy of The Big Book Of Meta-Characterizations And Other Narrative Shortcuts and reads aloud to Ryan on the subject of Ryan: "You're the bad boy, okay? You're the outsider." Look, we already know he's the bad boy. For the love of god, the costume department has got him in a black t-shirt, so what the hell else kind of proof do we need? Seth puts not too fine a point on it, adding for the sake of people too cheap to just break down and buy some damn porn already, "You're supposed to be leading me into temptation, not homeroom." Or, if the latter-day fanfic writer of twelve different stories about this scene whose titles are all, somehow, "Teacher's Pet" has his way, both.

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The O.C.

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